Suri's Burn Book

If you wanted proof I have less influence over Tom’s wardrobe nowadays, here it is: a turtleneck on a red carpet.

And this is why you don’t let Tom Cruise cut your hair, no matter how down in the dumps he seems or how excited he gets about bangs.

I’ve never seen a cat hate life more. And Tom once had a terrifying cat named Nicole 2 that ran away.

Time for another edition of “What Lies Did They Make Up About Me Today?”

1. According to the ever-reliable “Reveal Magazine” (had you heard of it before?), my trendsetter days are limited. “Katie has been returning unsolicited gifts and loans from designers for Suri since she arrived in New York. She’s issued instructions to remove Suri from all freebie lists. Tom loved to spoil Suri and indulge her, but Katie has other ideas.” I think it’s so cute that people thought Tom was stocking my closet. While the man does love a good pump, do you think a guy who clings to every spare quarter-inch he’s got would be buying heels for anyone who’s going to stand near him ever? People, I have my own American Express black card. Don’t worry.

2. The Daily News is reporting that Tom and I were involved in a high-speed chase with the paparazzi trailing us. This has been vastly overblown. Really, we were just sitting in a car while he sang the “Mission: Impossible” theme and “drummed” on the headrest. Insufferable.

3. Katie is returning to Broadway in a play called Dead Accounts, playing “a fairly unglamorous character.” This is true, and it is hilarious. Only you call it a play, and I call it EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE.

I feel, as my father shares private details about our lives with the press while promoting my personal hell Rock of Ages, that there are some rumors I need to dispel.

1. Tom: “When I had the eyeliner and the painted nails, [Suri] was a little taken aback by it. She was like, ‘What’s happening to my dad?’” This is true, but a gross understatement. I believe my exact words were, “Is this your mid-life transition time or are you just in a really bad movie?” And then I threw up a little.

2. Tom: “Suri came to visit me on the film set in Miami. The first time she saw Russell [Brand] striding over towards her she burst out crying - literally burst out crying on the spot. She was terrified of him. She isn’t used to being around people who are so tall.” Well, the height thing is hilariously true, but that’s not why I cried. The fact is — Russell Brand smells exactly the way you imagine he would. (Like a rancid onion, but way worse.)

3. I was Tom’s date to last night’s Friar’s Foundation dinner. This is true. I looked amazing.

I feel like a need a HAZMAT-grade decontamination shower after seeing this.

vanityfair:

The Vanity Fair Oscar party was clearly not Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ first time at the photo booth rodeo.