Suri's Burn Book

Posts tagged tom cruise

It’s taken me a few days to really come to terms with what I am about to show you.

After three panic attacks and one emergency session with my therapist, I am finally ready to admit that the following photograph exists in the universe, that it does not reflect on me, and that I now understand where my entire eyeliner collection disappeared to. (It’s okay, I definitely don’t want it back now.)

This is the biggest mistake W has made since they fired Blair Waldorf.

Whatever. Only 4,362 days until I turn eighteen. Not that anyone’s counting.

I don’t know. I feel like I’m in some strange fugue state, because here is a photo of Tom and Katie from last night’s Vanity Fair party, and they … do not look awful.

Tom is in classic Armani, Katie in Elie Saab, accessorized by new haircuts and old famous friends, and for once I am actually considering claiming them.

Some people think Katie looked pregnant in this dress; I think she just had a weird tulle/belt incongruity happening. At least, I hope and pray that’s the case. She knows how I feel about siblings. And secrets.

I don’t particularly like going to Disneyland with Tom, but I needed someone to carry my bag.

Also, does anyone else think that horse pillar looks suspiciously like Violet Affleck?

There are crazy rumors going around that while in Mumbai, Tom was swarmed with adoring fans who were, in reality, nothing more than out-of-work Indian actors who received $3 and a free lunch in exchange for making my father feel as loved as Justin Bieber. Said one such performer:

“Tom kaun? I don’t know who he is or what he does. We were told to come here by 1pm today and wait for a foreign VIP to come out of the airport gate and scream and shout when he came. None of us know who Tom is. There was a buffet lunch also for us and we were paid Rs 150 for this job today. We do this for television shows and other such events where crowds are required.”

This is ludicrous! This is outrageous! This is … oh, who am I kidding — this is completely true. Of course Tom’s people paid for a photo-op to make him feel special. 

Why else do you think I still live under the same roof as this guy?

My only qualms are (A) not requiring these three-dollar thespians to sign a non-disclosure agreement was clearly a huge mistake and (B) three dollars? Didn’t you hear I just negotiated for a pony? 

Sometimes people come up to me, and they say things like, “But Suri! Your father is an internationally acclaimed, Golden Globe-winning superstar, who is as artistically talented as he is devoted to raising awareness and funding for his fringe religion. Aren’t you proud of him?”

No. I’m really not. The man can’t even wear deodorant properly. Or, as demonstrated by the video below, sing on key. I don’t think he can get through a single workday without making a mockery of the Cruise family name.

Only 4,522 more days until my 18th birthday.

We get it, Beyoncé. You are famous and your baby is famous and everyone is SO happy for you.

Me? I am all 26 dislikes this video has on YouTube. I haven’t been this nauseated since the day Tom put on his hotel balcony performance of Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina.

Tom really wants us to start pairs-skating competitively. I told him not until his triple toe loop improves and only if our team name can be The Princess and the Pea.

So this is weird. Here’s a video of Tom shooting Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol in Dubai last year, and he looks … kind of awesome?

Ah, the wonders of editing.

True story: I was on set that day. Katie was very anxious — but, then again, she usually is when she’s around my father. I was more interested in the snacks … as I usually am when I’m around my father.