Suri's Burn Book

Every weekend marks an occasion for people to bring presents to Jessica Simpson’s house, and this time it was Maxwell Drew Johnson’s first birthday. According to People, guests were treated to face painting, a children’s band (ugh), and an array of food including “hot dogs, grilled cheese, tacos, fresh fruit, lemonade and candy.”

I believe everything except for the fresh fruit thing.

Jessica Simpson sold clothes at a mall in North Carolina this weekend (seriously), and Maxwell was there to help.

She looks almost as confused as I do. What is a “Belk”? What are these shoes with laces? Why did Jessica dress her in such non-colors? And can Ashlee breathe with her hair that tight?

Jessica Simpson tweeted this photo along with the caption, “Maxwell has her momma’s pout down pat.” She also has her mother’s cheeks, affinity for leopard print, and weird hair choices. What is going on with that ponytail?

I think Jessica Simpson’s baby just figured out that she’s Jessica Simpson’s baby.

Wednesday with the Simpson-Johnsons.

(I assume Jessica dresses Maxwell up as food every day.)

How many elbows does one baby need? Maxwell Drew Johnson looks like a baby version of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, which isn’t too hard to believe, really.

You are what you eat.

With a little hair product and a flipper, Maxwell Drew Johnson would be just about ready for Toddlers and Tiaras. That’s where this is headed, right?

It takes two people to hold up Maxwell Drew Johnson.

I feel like her eyes are silently asking for help. Perhaps she’s just realized that her name is Maxwell, and Jessica Simpson is responsible for her.

Well, here she is. Maxwell Drew Johnson, in a cheap headband, bare feet, and the butteriest Pop-Tartiest cheeks of all time, graces the cover of this week’s People.

I hope she was worth the seventeen-month wait.