Suri's Burn Book

Jaden Smith is turning fifteen in July, and he may be getting the one present I’ve been lobbying for for years: legal emancipation.

“He says, ‘Dad, I want to be emancipated.’ I know if we do this, he can be an emancipated minor, because he really wants to have his own place, like ooh.”

Look, I’d want Jaden Smith out of my house, too, but let’s be honest. Samuel Affleck, age 1, would be a more responsible emancipated minor than Jaden Smith. The Smith kids loose in society is honestly my worst nightmare, and I thought I had three more years before that became a reality.

It’s pretty clear, though, that Will Smith operates outside of reality. In that same interview, he calls himself “the biggest movie star in the world.” Okay, then. If you say so.

The thing is — I, too, am too cool for the Kids’ Choice Awards. But you know what I do?

I don’t go to the Kids’ Choice Awards.

Jaden Smith and Justin Bieber were in Paris London this weekend celebrating Justin’s birthday and were reportedly turned away from a nightclub because, you know, Jaden is fourteen and they don’t let fourteen-year-olds into clubs. This resulted in a lot of angry tweeting from Justin, and a statement via Instagram denying the rumor.

Except here’s the thing. Jaden Smith is exactly the kind of entitled teen who would fly to the other side of the globe with the expectation that getting into the party would be no problem. So excuse me for hesitating to believe that it didn’t happen.

The Smiths are the worst.

Now, I myself am allowed to go anywhere in Paris the world I so choose (I have an in with the mayor), but I would never personally want to go to a nightclub: too crowded, too loud, not enough cupcakes.

The family that goes clubbing in South Beach together stays together. Or something like that.

I stopped trying to understand the Pinkett-Smiths a long time ago.

This happened, and it was amazing. I don’t know which I like better — Kendall Jenner being rejected or Jaden Smith being forced to do something unpleasant.

It’s all just patently awesome. I’m going to frame this.

Go ahead and keep thinking you’re cool. I’m just glad you’re matching.

By the way, you’re not cool.

Here is a story about Jaden Smith, as told by Will Smith, about a visit to the White House Situation Room:

“Barack is talking about the Situation Room, and Jaden says, ‘Excuse me, Mr. President?’ And Barack said, ‘Don’t tell me,’ and in perfect form—like, this is why he’s the President—he stopped and looked at Jaden and said, ‘The aliens, right?’ And I was like, ‘Oh, shoot!’ And he said, ‘I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of extraterrestrials, but I can tell you if there had been a top secret meeting and if there would have had to have been a discussion about it, it would have taken place in this room.’”

What is wrong with this family thinking they are on a first-name basis with everyone? First Willow calls Madame Oprah Winfrey “Girl” and now you’re telling me you called the President Barack? Are you being a serious person right now?

I’m all for a good story about a precocious tween, but these Smith kids have to be stopped. Do you think Kiernan Shipka or I would have introduced such banality into a conversation with the leader of the free world? Of course not. All I would want to discuss with the President is equal pay for equal work, and the ridiculously high tariffs on French cheeses.

Oh, good lord. Let’s take these one at a time, shall we?

Jada Pinkett Smith: You are forty, and this is 2012. Your outfit was designed for a fifteen-year-old in 1986. See the inconsistency? I understand that the Kids Choice Awards are an opportunity to let loose a little, but that does not justify anything you’ve got going on with that outfit.

Willow Smith: Your outfit isn’t so bad, but it’s completely overaccessorized, and I’m pretty sure that yin-yang went out of style with your mom’s rayon jumper. Also, I’m sorry that you clearly now regret shaving your head, but that doesn’t mean you can wear that tiny bowler hat until it grows out. (Aaaaaaaaand I told you so.)

Jaden Smith: Lighten up. It’s just the Kids Choice Awards, not an arraignment. And tie your shoes.