Suri's Burn Book

Victoria Beckham tweeted this photo of Harper at Fashion Week, wearing flats, a lame smock dress that should only be worn for casual inside Saturdays, and a ponytail. Harper needs to get it together, because this is getting embarrassing.

David Beckham has reportedly joined the Paris St. Germain soccer team, which means that the Beckhams will now split their time between London and Paris.

This is so unfair. There’s no way Harper Beckham will be able to really appreciate Paris. (Except for croissants and other French bread products.)

In happier news, David Beckham has completed his contract with America, is done with his soccer career, and is possibly moving his family back overseas where they belong. So Harper and HRH The Baby of Cambridge can just be the best of friends and I can be beautiful and famous all on my own. I don’t need them.

They better do it fast before they have to buy two plane tickets for Harper’s thighs.

The rest of the Beckhams look Sunday-amazing, but Harper has just really let herself go.

Rarely do I ever feel pity for Harper Beckham — she does have everything, after all — but yesterday she had to sit beside Russell Brand for the duration of a sporting event.

I’ve spoken before about how Russell Brand smells, but it really can’t be understated. He’s like a walking reminder of the perilous consequences of smoking, bad personal hygiene, and eating onions for breakfast.

This cape is so flattering on Harper Beckham, and I don’t say that lightly — many people have been felled by the delusion that they can pull off a cape. Maybe it’s because it covers Harper’s entire figure?

Harper Beckham owns pants and sneakers, so let’s not kid ourselves by saying she’s a fashionista yet. She just has a good stylist for workdays.

Also, I don’t know where this high ponytail thing came from, but it definitely wasn’t my suggestion. With the curls hanging down in the back, it’s a little bit redneck Pebbles Flintstone. 

It won’t be long before Harper Beckham’s arms are thicker than her mother’s.

Harper Beckham went to lunch in London with her glamorous parents, both of whom are participating (at least ceremonially) in the Olympics.

Yesterday, I got an emergency tetanus booster shot after I was afraid that Katie’s cab ride idea might have lasting consequences on my health.

I hate everything.

In case you missed this big “who cares?” last week, Harper Beckham has started walking. I know, right? Stop the presses.

Meanwhile, Eva Longoria, chatty godmother extraordinaire, said she’s glad her pal had a girl because, “Somebody needs to inherit Victoria’s shoes!” Um, have you seen Harper’s feet? Something tells me that cankley girl is not going to be wearing her mom’s Louboutins, unless they start making lunchlady shoes.