Posts tagged brad pitt
Posts tagged brad pitt
congrats to my faves
So Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are officially married. Good for them, I guess. Or whatever. There have been downsides to this story since before time began (translation: since before I was born), and it is still legitimate to be Team Aniston and not care about Shiloh Jolie-Pitt’s ring bearer outfit. So let’s just do that, America.
OMG Brangelina’s children!
I think Maddox Jolie-Pitt just realized that being Maddox Jolie-Pitt is going to help him get dates.
Shiloh is wearing lace-up shoes that match the carpet. Some things never change.
Angelina Jolie gave a very touching speech while accepting an honorary Oscar for her humanitarian efforts, choking up as she addressed Brad and Maddox in the audience.
I’m very confused by my feelings about this. On the one hand, Angelina has done a lot of work for women and children around the world, and she probably does deserve this award. (I mean, who else are they gonna give it to? Miley?)
But on the other hand, she’s a scary smug witch and she’s just the worst. And if she’s such a good humanitarian, why can’t she do something about the crisis in Shiloh Jolie-Pitt’s closet?
World War Z premiered in London over the weekend, and they could only scare up two Jolie-Pitt children to support the film. Not a good sign.
Brad and Angelina have a wine now, I guess. Because why not? It’s called the Miraval Rose 2012, it sells for $139 for six bottles, and I hear it tastes like sacrificial pony blood with traces of greasy beard and afternotes of skank. It’s not for everyone.
Have you been missing the Jolie-Pitts lately? Me either, but there’s news about them anyway.
According to an Us Weekly pizza restaurant source, the children are holy terrors in public. (Not that this is really news.)
"The place shuts down for the entire night and the kids raise a ruckus. They jump on tables and even throw food at each other! Brad and Angelina just sit there and talk to one another while the children run around in circles.” Apparently, Brad and Angelina just want to “let the kids enjoy themselves.”
I’ve always suspected that dining with the Jolie-Pitts would be a little like a prison riot, but I never imagined it would be this bad.
Meanwhile, the Jolie-Pitt children have already gotten in their letters to Santa. According to a postal worker in the English countryside, “It was so cute. All the children sent messages to Father Christmas and were absolutely beautifully behaved.”
Either she just saw a pack of dirty peasants and assumed they were the Jolie-Pitts, or these kids know how to turn on the charm for Santa. Not that I don’t know a little bit about modifying behavior in order to get presents, but … ugh, these kids are terrible and I hope they have an awful Christmas.
Brad Pitt shilling for Chanel No. 5 is like … Honey Boo Boo becoming the face of Hermès.
If Chanel really wanted Brad Pitt, they should’ve changed their classic scent to include a heavy smell of burlap bag with beef jerky afternotes.
This photo may be Brad Pitt’s past, but it’s Shiloh’s future.
Shirt and all.
Well, probably minus the trophy.
Well, things are finally starting to make sense around here.
Brad Pitt admitted to James Lipton on Inside the Actors Studio that he keeps the Jolie-Pitt children’s energy up with caffeine.
"I admit there’s times like, ‘We gotta get up. Get up! Here’s your shoes. Here’s your shoes. Drink this Coke. Drink this Coca-Cola. Drink it all. Right now! Drink it! Drink it! Drink it!’ Just so we could get ‘em up and going.”
That’ll do it. No wonder Shiloh’s eyes always look like she’s on uppers.
I myself drink only carrot juice, coconut water, and the occasional Diet Sprite.
Also, that James Lipton’ll get you. I’ve inadvertently told that man so many secrets.
Well, celebrity child news kicked back into full swing today with this late-breaking item:
Pax Jolie-Pitt was taken to the grocery store in the sidecar of his father’s motorcycle!
As if Brad Pitt wasn’t pretentious enough already, he went out and bought himself a motorcycle with a sidecar. And then took the most mysterious Jolie-Pitt out for a ride in it.
I must say, I like the idea of riding in a sidecar, but only if it is in the English countryside and Colin Firth is driving.