Suri's Burn Book

Posts tagged beyonce

Beyonce has re-emerged, in a dress that is too small to flatter any part of this post-baby body. (Is that ruching or is her dress just stretched beyond its limits?)

She was also apparently wearing blue nail polish as an homage to daughter Blue Ivy, and I would just like to say a big, loud NO.

You are not appropriating the color blue. You do not own it. Your baby doesn’t own it. I happen to love blue nail polish, too, but don’t ever think that it’s a reference to Beyonce’s pretentious baby.

Ugh.

So Jay-Z “dropped” a new song on his Web site about Blue Ivy Carter. (By the way—it’s officially Blue Ivy Carter now.) (Also, do you call raps “songs”? Is this a rap? I don’t know.)

Let’s get out our handy-dandy notebook and decode the Blue’s Clues in these lyrics, shall we? Oh, God, I hate myself for making a Blue’s Clues reference. Please don’t think I watch children’s programming. (Actually more of a Downton Abbey girl myself, these days.)

First things first: this baby is obviously very loved.

But enough about that.

Bad-ass lil Hov
two years old, shopping on Savile Row
Wicked-ass lil B
Hard not to spoil you rotten, looking like lil me

So this baby is both “bad-ass” and “wicked-ass.” Two words (are those words?) I don’t mind never being used to describe me. I am concerned about Blue Ivy’s closet, because you know they’re going to spend a fortune and a half on her wardrobe, but that’s mitigated by the suggestion that she looks more like Jay-Z than Beyonce. Oh, goodness, I’ve been hoping for that since August 29.

I wreak havoc on the world
Get ready for part two
A younger, smarter, faster me
Saw a pinch of Hov
A whole glass of B

Don’t worry, Mr. Z. I’m ready. I had a head start, and I already know how to write and wear shoes.

At the end of the song, you can hear Baby Blue crying in the background. It’s sweet, I guess, but were they trying to keep her on key? If so, it was a massive failure. It’s not looking good for the hope that Blue Ivy will inherit her mother’s perfect pitch.

Next?

Well, it’s here.

Beyonce reportedly gave birth to a daughter yesterday in New York, named either Blue Ivy or Ivy Blue. (Gwyneth Paltrow says it’s “Blue Ivy,” but since when has she been a trustworthy individual?) Ivy Blue Knowles-Z is a much better name, so obviously I’m pushing for the opposite.

For all of you who are concerned about my well-being, don’t be. I am fine. Well, I will be fine after my acupuncture appointment and a kickboxing class.

Here’s a picture of Amy Poehler’s ginger baby to cheer us all up:

First of all, I apologize for my relative silence over the last week. Lord knows I could have used some distraction from holiday-ing with the Holmes-Cruises, but when the top story at Us Weekly’s Web site is “Jessica Simpson Tweets About Pregnancy Cravings,” there’s not much a girl can do.

I’ve also been spending a lot of time in my panic room. No, Beyonce’s baby isn’t born yet, but it is coming, with or without my approval.

In more “The Afflecks Try to Be Cute to Win My Affections” news, the family took their pets for a walk this weekend. Here’s Violet with Jennifer Garner’s dog Martha Stewart, so named because of Mrs. A’s affection for the once-bejailed craft magnate.

(If I got a dog, I would name it Adele. Or J.K. Rowling. Or Greta Van Susteren.)

But if they think being cute is going to make me overlook Violet’s shapeless dress or socks-with-flats look, they’re sadly mistaken. Let’s make better fashion your New Year’s resolution, Violet.

We get it, Beyoncé. You are famous and your baby is famous and everyone is SO happy for you.

Me? I am all 26 dislikes this video has on YouTube. I haven’t been this nauseated since the day Tom put on his hotel balcony performance of Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina.