Suri's Burn Book

Have you been missing the Jolie-Pitts lately? Me either, but there’s news about them anyway.

According to an Us Weekly pizza restaurant source, the children are holy terrors in public. (Not that this is really news.)

“The place shuts down for the entire night and the kids raise a ruckus. They jump on tables and even throw food at each other! Brad and Angelina just sit there and talk to one another while the children run around in circles.” Apparently, Brad and Angelina just want to “let the kids enjoy themselves.”

I’ve always suspected that dining with the Jolie-Pitts would be a little like a prison riot, but I never imagined it would be this bad.

Meanwhile, the Jolie-Pitt children have already gotten in their letters to Santa. According to a postal worker in the English countryside, “It was so cute. All the children sent messages to Father Christmas and were absolutely beautifully behaved.” 

Either she just saw a pack of dirty peasants and assumed they were the Jolie-Pitts, or these kids know how to turn on the charm for Santa. Not that I don’t know a little bit about modifying behavior in order to get presents, but … ugh, these kids are terrible and I hope they have an awful Christmas.

This is the saddest display of Halloween enthusiasm I’ve seen in my entire life. Looks like that six-legged unicorn has about had it. 

Apparently, in addition to Vivienne Jolie-Pitt’s role as Young Elle Fanning in Maleficent, both Pax and Zahara will have non-speaking cameos in the film.

I hate nepotism.

Shiloh was scheduled to take part, but according to Us Weekly, “she was bored and not in the mood during the day her part was supposed to happen, so she ended up not being in the film.” Classic unprofessional Shiloh. If only she would put as much effort into her career as she does into being a nuisance.

Have you missed the Jolie-Pitt family’s unique styles since they’ve been abroad? Screen-printing, Justin Bieber’s old haircut, Angelina’s weekend-Maleficent clothes … I haven’t even missed judging them.

I can’t believe we ever let these people become celebrities.

According to reports, Vivienne Jolie-Pitt will play the child version of Princess Aurora (AKA Briar Rose, AKA Sleeping Beauty) in Maleficent.

You know, when I first read this, I was filled with jealousy. If anyone should be playing a Disney princess, it’s me. I’m basically an expert. But upon further thought, I’m just amused.

Watching a Jolie-Pitt try to play someone (A) beautiful and (B) capable of lying still for long periods of time is going to be hilarious. I know this movie is supposed to be Sleeping Beauty retold from the villain’s perspective, but it’s an interesting risk to make Aurora a straight-up gnome.

Apparently, shooting Maleficent has liberated Angelina Jolie and her witchy ways, because she is straight-up wearing black capes now.

Also, this is our first glimpse of Shiloh in a while. Good to know she’s still boring as ever.

Are we sure this is Angelina Jolie as Maleficent and not just Angelina Jolie in the dark of night? I guess I just feel like if this is what Brad Pitt sees every morning, I’d understand why he’s too afraid to leave.

Diamond or not, Angelina Jolie’s flat claw hand is so scary.

So I guess when I suggested that Angelina Jolie is a modern-day Maleficent, I must have subconsciously known that she had already signed on to play the evil queen in films. I certainly don’t pay that much conscious attention to her film choices.

Angelina’s Maleficent movie starts filming in June, and she is ready to go.

“I’m having a lot of fun. I’ve already got my horns fitted. My kids are very happy.”

I just assumed she’s had the horns for years, hand-crafted from the bones of former suitors and their jilted wives. Also, I find it hilarious that her children are excited to see their mother as a witch. They’re probably just proud that she’s finally found a role she’s so well-suited for.