Suri's Burn Book

Time for another edition of “Somebody’s Lying About Suri Cruise.” As the school year (blech) begins, plenty of folks are starting ghastly rumors about me — let’s debunk them, shall we?

1. I was photographed this weekend near a dog, and everyone assumed that I had a new pet. While it’s no secret I am in the market for a little furry companion, you all should really know better. What I want is a tiny puppy I can name Anderson Cooper and carry around in a Louis Vuitton bag. This dog (Katie’s brother’s) looks like the stray that Little Orphan Annie picked up off the street. I have standards.
2. Katie got new shoes! False. I made that up, because I so badly want it to be true. I’m actually starting to believe those elfin boots are welded to her feet like the ruby slippers in The Wizard of Oz — only in Katie’s case, the bonding agent is laziness and bad taste, not witch magic. I am worried she is planning to wear them to her runway show next week. Yikes.
3. Page Six is reporting that my classmates’ parents are … worried that their daughters will be mistaken for me by the paparazzi? According to a source, “The girls will all be in uniforms, and they’re worried their daughters will be mistaken for Suri by the paparazzi outside the school.” I don’t know if this is true, but if it is, wow are they stupid. They really have nothing to worry about — I’m very confident that the paparazzi know the difference between Suri Cruise and a commoner. And there is a difference.
4. Multiple sources report that I wrote a book. This one is, of course, true, and it’s officially on sale today. Yeah, and those other kindergarteners think they could be confused for me.

My book won’t be officially released until September 4 (I’m trying to upstage Beyonce on her birthday), but like everything sought-after in the industry, it has leaked early online. 

You can peek inside this work of art (or even buy it) at Barnes and Noble or Amazon. Proceeds will go to the “Help Violet Affleck Dress Better” Charity Fund. Haha, just kidding. There’s not enough money in the world for that.

August is painfully slow here in the world of celebrity news. All there is to talk about are Kristen Stewart and Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, both of which I think are true cultural travesties.

I’m actually looking forward to the academic year starting. Not because I’m excited about going to school myself — no, I’m dreading that more than my next lunch meeting with Ryan Seacrest.

It’s just been far too long since we’ve seen pictures of Louis Bullock looking like this.

It’s all gone wrong.

This is not what I had in mind when Katie suggested an afternoon in the park and a new pink hat. My feet (and my shoes) are far too delicate for this kind of work.

This whole flying commercial/ “how the other half lives” thing isn’t cute anymore. Even in first class, you have to breathe the same air as the people in steerage.

I have learned how to carry my own bags with style, though. And believe me, it wasn’t easy.

Look at me, becoming Blair Waldorf before your very eyes. (I even have a minion.)

Sure, these are the MOMA steps, and there are cargo shorts and a trashcan a little too close to me for my taste, but I am a New Yorker now and can accept that these things happen.

I feel like I’m growing.