Posts tagged Katie Holmes
Suri's Burn Book
Just because you don't have a Ferragamo handbag doesn't mean you can behave like a child. (I'm looking at you, Shiloh.)
So I have some news.
While the Afflecks have been doting over Baby Samuel (and surely showering even less frequently than usual) and the Smiths have been spending loads of money attempting to bribe Lady Gaga into mentoring Willow, I’ve been doing something much more productive in my free time.
(I know, haha! As if I have free time between holding the puppet strings at the New York Stock Exchange and plotting Blue Ivy Carter’s fall from grace. I’m taking Midtown Manhattan back, Beyoncé.)
Anyway, mostly on planes between Los Angeles, New York, and Paris, I’ve been writing a book. A real one this time.
Suri’s Burn Book: Well-Dressed Commentary from Hollywood’s Little Sweetheart will be published by Running Press this fall. The book will be my completely new, completely definitive guide to the families of Hollywood, and no one will be spared – better prepare yourself, Mason Disick.
If you’re bored, you can find out more about the book and my ghostwriter here. I myself am going to go buy noise-canceling headphones. Katie’s decided to start singing again.
Here’s a picture you never knew you needed to see — Joshua Jackson holding January Jones’s baby, Xander Dane Jones, in a pool. (That’s January in the hat and the frown.) I just have so many questions about this situation.
How are Joshua Jackson and January Jones friends?
Why don’t Joshua Jackson and Diane Kruger have their own babies yet? I mean, look at that. It’s an awkward angle, and it’s still the best thing I’ve seen all week.
Most importantly, can we all now agree that Katie Holmes is the dumbest person on this or any continent? In another universe, that guy could’ve been my dad.
I hate everything.
Even when she looks decent (read: not hideous), Katie still says the dumbest things sometimes.
No, Mother, a Dawson’s Creek reunion is not a good idea.
If I looked skeptical on the helipad, it’s because I was thinking about how close I was going to have to sit to Katie’s floral pantsuit and an “American Eagle”-shirted fellow. Breathing recycled air is even worse when it contains the putrid stench of retail.
Everything about Katie Holmes makes me physically cringe.
Charlize Theron has adopted a baby, an American boy she’s named Jackson Theron. (This makes him the nearly-namesake of Justin Theroux, and so I will imagine young Jackson wearing stupid fedoras and escorting Jennifer Aniston to events, until there are pictures of him.)
People reports that Charlize chatted with Katie at an event yesterday, possibly to get parenting tips. Listen, I understand the instinct to seek advice from someone related to The Number One Most Influential Child in Hollywood. But if you really want to know how this all happens, you’ll need to have your people call my people. We all know who’s responsible for me.
I feel like a need a HAZMAT-grade decontamination shower after seeing this.
The Vanity Fair Oscar party was clearly not Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ first time at the photo booth rodeo.
I don’t know. I feel like I’m in some strange fugue state, because here is a photo of Tom and Katie from last night’s Vanity Fair party, and they … do not look awful.
Tom is in classic Armani, Katie in Elie Saab, accessorized by new haircuts and old famous friends, and for once I am actually considering claiming them.
Some people think Katie looked pregnant in this dress; I think she just had a weird tulle/belt incongruity happening. At least, I hope and pray that’s the case. She knows how I feel about siblings. And secrets.
Oh, look! Katie has acquired herself a burn book of her own. I was worried, at first, that it was a chronicle of my own misdeeds, but I am happy to report that she has nothing bad to say about me, her beloved daughter.
Here are some of the people Katie Holmes felt the need to scribble about:
Tom. (Obviously.)
Victoria Beckham and her new BFF Eva Longoria. (Somebody’s feeling left out.)
James Van Der Beek. No, she does not want to hang out with you. (Neither do I, for that matter.)
Michelle Williams. She wants to know how you became more famous than her.
Robert Pattinson. She is still weirdly Team Jacob. Like, it makes me uncomfortable.
Herself. Oh, Katie. Maybe I will make getting you some self-worth my project of 2012.
Or maybe I will just buy shoes.
Madonna very slyly added — and then deleted — her daughter Lourdes from her upcoming film W.E., about the romance between Wallis Simpson and Edward VIII.
“There was a scene where she played Wally as a young girl, and I just kind of dragged her in at the last minute. It was quite unfair of me what I did and what I asked her to do. But she was really great and then I ended up cutting her out of the film. Ruthless, I know. I said, ‘Sorry babe, you’re on the cutting room floor.’ She took it like a champ.”
How embarrassing.
This is why one must choose her projects very carefully, and not let family get muddled up in career decisions. Katie begged me to play the younger version of herself in Mad Money, but I refused. Despite my lifelong dream of working with Diane Keaton, I just couldn’t make my debut in such a terrible project.
