Posts tagged Jessica Simpson
Posts tagged Jessica Simpson
Wednesday with the Simpson-Johnsons.
(I assume Jessica dresses Maxwell up as food every day.)
How many elbows does one baby need? Maxwell Drew Johnson looks like a baby version of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, which isn’t too hard to believe, really.
You are what you eat.
With a little hair product and a flipper, Maxwell Drew Johnson would be just about ready for Toddlers and Tiaras. That’s where this is headed, right?
It takes two people to hold up Maxwell Drew Johnson.
I feel like her eyes are silently asking for help. Perhaps she’s just realized that her name is Maxwell, and Jessica Simpson is responsible for her.
Well, here she is. Maxwell Drew Johnson, in a cheap headband, bare feet, and the butteriest Pop-Tartiest cheeks of all time, graces the cover of this week’s People.
I hope she was worth the seventeen-month wait.
Jessica Simpson has a Twitter account, which she uses to promote her fashion lines, her reality shows, and, now, her baby:
I’m addicted to buying headbands w massive flowers for Maxwell on etsy! She is insanely beautiful I can’t help but play dress up!
Etsy is for people with too much time and too much felt on their hands.
And flower headbands are so last season.
Nineteen months of pregnancy and all she has to show for it is a nine-pound, thirteen-ounce baby girl with the name of a middle-aged man.
Congratulations, Maxwell Drew Johnson, and good luck with the rest. At least you aren’t inside Jessica Simpson anymore.
Oh, God, what did my eyes do so wrong to deserve having to see this? At least now we are all in this together.
Jessica Simpson, seventeen months pregnant, poses naked on the cover of Elle this month, and it is gross, even with all that airbrushing. (Everyone knows this trend should’ve stopped with Demi Moore. Actually, Demi Moore would probably do this better today, and she just got out of rehab.)
In the piece, Jessica worries that her baby (now confirmed to be a girl) will be athletic and will not want to wear Louboutins. Well, lady, you should’ve thought of that before you decided to have a baby with a football player instead of the host of The Sing-Off.
She also says the baby will have a “nontraditional” name: “It’s nothing shocking and nothing you’ll have to add to the dictionary. Still, when people hear it, they’ll know … why.”
You know, I would say “gag me,” but I already am.
It’s official. Jessica Simpson has gone from pregnancy secret-keeper to extreme oversharer in just a matter of weeks. She is all over the place lately, gabbing away about her cravings, her weight, and her plans for raising Baby as a girl no matter what.
“This week it’s peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, toasted!” she told Rachael Ray of her cravings. (Stop the presses.)
“I think it’s a girl, but I don’t know yet. If it’s a boy, I’ll put him in tutus.” This sounds like a great plan, Jessica. I’ve always been of the mindset that if you get something you don’t want, just pretend like it’s what you asked for. Or throw it away. (But that last one doesn’t seem like a real option for you.)
“People always say that when you’re pregnant, you glow, but I say it’s because of all sweating you do!” That is just too much information. Ladies do not sweat. If you must know, I’ve never sweat once in my life, despite my genetics. (Of course, I’ve never really done any kind of strenuous activity, either.)