Suri's Burn Book

The only thing I’m looking forward to about the royal baby is finding out what this...

Wed, 22 May 2013 13:33:33 -0400

The only thing I’m looking forward to about the royal baby is finding out what this kid’s going to call Camilla Parker Bowles Cornwall. Hopefully just “Camilla.” Or “What Are You Doing Here?”

This might be the best photo of Blue Ivy ever taken.

Tue, 21 May 2013 11:38:30 -0400

This might be the best photo of Blue Ivy ever taken.

David Beckham played his last-ever home game this weekend before...

Mon, 20 May 2013 11:32:38 -0400

David Beckham played his last-ever home game this weekend before retiring from soccer, and the whole family was on hand to support him. It’s interesting how much these kids look up to their father — wearing his jersey, not being embarrassed to have their picture taken with him. I wonder what that’s like.

E! is “confirming” through “exclusive...

Fri, 17 May 2013 16:01:42 -0400

E! is “confirming” through “exclusive sources” that Beyoncé is indeed pregnant with Baby #2. Honestly, this is just one big yawn.

Here’s the thing. When Beyoncé announced her pregnancy with Blue Ivy, she did it in the showiest way possible. Her entire pregnancy was a Beyoncé attentionfest.

Then that baby turned out to be Blue Ivy, who everyone knows — even if they won’t say it out loud — is BORING. Now they know better than to make a big deal about it, because they’re just going to dress the baby in jeans and cheap t-shirts anyway.

So, no, I don’t feel threatened by Beyoncé’s second baby, if that’s what you were expecting.

No one would blame Kim Kardashian for staying home, putting her...

Fri, 17 May 2013 14:46:30 -0400

No one would blame Kim Kardashian for staying home, putting her feet up, and wearing leggings as pants for the next two months. At this point, we’d all prefer the break. But, no, she has made commitments to appearances and apparently to wearing dresses that aren’t her size anymore, and she will keep them.

Everyone knows I’ll wear uncomfortable shoes and dresses as fashion requires such sacrifices, but even I wouldn’t do this to myself. She looks miserable.

I’m going to regret what I’m about to say, but here it is —

Kim should take a page from Jessica Simpson’s book and just go nuts.

Looking pretty good, Alba-Warrens, except for Haven’s...

Fri, 17 May 2013 11:41:33 -0400

Looking pretty good, Alba-Warrens, except for Haven’s flyaways. (Get that baby some hairspray.) Honor’s fashion choices are really maturing, although it’s probably time for her to start wearing high heels already.

Who Ivy Carter? The cutest celebrity toddlers are still Harper...

Wed, 15 May 2013 18:13:31 -0400

Who Ivy Carter? The cutest celebrity toddlers are still Harper and Gideon Burtka-Harris. I want that bathing cap a little bit.

The Spears-Federlines: charming as ever. (Britney, you look...

Wed, 15 May 2013 11:07:25 -0400

The Spears-Federlines: charming as ever.

(Britney, you look great.)

Jaden Smith is turning fifteen in July, and he may be getting...

Tue, 14 May 2013 11:48:14 -0400

Jaden Smith is turning fifteen in July, and he may be getting the one present I’ve been lobbying for for years: legal emancipation.

“He says, ‘Dad, I want to be emancipated.’ I know if we do this, he can be an emancipated minor, because he really wants to have his own place, like ooh.”

Look, I’d want Jaden Smith out of my house, too, but let’s be honest. Samuel Affleck, age 1, would be a more responsible emancipated minor than Jaden Smith. The Smith kids loose in society is honestly my worst nightmare, and I thought I had three more years before that became a reality.

It’s pretty clear, though, that Will Smith operates outside of reality. In that same interview, he calls himself “the biggest movie star in the world.” Okay, then. If you say so.

There’s a rumor going around that Beyonce is pregnant...

Mon, 13 May 2013 18:00:39 -0400

There’s a rumor going around that Beyonce is pregnant — or, at least, that she’s going to be pregnant soon. According to People, “Beyoncé and Jay are planning for another baby after her tour is over and things calm down just a bit.”

A year ago, when Blue Ivy was just an infant full of promise, I would have quaked in fear at this rumor. Now that she’s a toddler who wears jeans and cotton/poly blends … whatever, Beyoncé.

Nahla Aubry is looking pretty sassy for a girl who’s about...

Mon, 13 May 2013 11:30:59 -0400

Nahla Aubry is looking pretty sassy for a girl who’s about to get a new late-in-life “miracle” brother. Enjoy your last few months of freedom — you are very brave. (Also, what happened to the bottom of your dress? Scissors accident?)

So, no, of course it’s not true that I’m starting my...

Fri, 10 May 2013 11:11:04 -0400

So, no, of course it’s not true that I’m starting my own fashion line. Don’t you think I do enough for the fashion community just by existing? Now they want me to dress the masses? Everyone knows I don’t like to work, and I especially don’t want to be associated with anything off-the-rack.

Harper Beckham’s lunchbox is so last season, and so is...

Thu, 09 May 2013 12:05:25 -0400

Harper Beckham’s lunchbox is so last season, and so is smiling at the paparazzi. Get with it, Harper — it’s all about scowling now.

Snooki, apparently now a baby expert, has ideas about what Kim...

Wed, 08 May 2013 17:01:15 -0400

Snooki, apparently now a baby expert, has ideas about what Kim and Kanye should name their baby: Kougar for a boy and Kat for a girl, “so it can still be in the family business.”

I mean, those can’t be any worse than what they’re actually going to choose for Baby Kardashian-West. Honestly, nothing can make this baby’s life any more embarrassing than it’s already going to be.

A beautiful dress ruined when sharp scissors got into the wrongs...

Tue, 07 May 2013 11:00:48 -0400

A beautiful dress ruined when sharp scissors got into the wrongs hands. Just like my bangs.

Another probably-made-up rumor has started about HRH The Baby of...

Mon, 06 May 2013 16:53:27 -0400

Another probably-made-up rumor has started about HRH The Baby of Cambridge — this time, that Prince Harry is going around telling people it’s a boy. Of course, this is what I’ve been hoping for since Kate Middleton was just a girl with a dream: boys are boring, future kings are boring (especially when they changed the law to accommodate a potential heiress), and “boys’ fashion” is an oxymoron, no matter what Rachel Zoe thinks.

Given the amount of information and misinformation on both sides, I’m going to just stop listening to rumors and accept the fact that it’s going to be one or the other. Two months to go. Keep telling me it’s going to be okay.

Blue Ivy Carter, tallest sixteen-month-old ever, got onstage...

Mon, 06 May 2013 12:55:00 -0400

Blue Ivy Carter, tallest sixteen-month-old ever, got onstage with Beyonce at her concert last night. Because the Carters want Blue’s life to be private, except when they can create a spectacle.

UPDATE: Not Blue Ivy. Just a fan. Because people bring toddlers to Beyonce concerts.

Pink’s baby Willow: not amused by bike transportation....

Fri, 03 May 2013 12:16:17 -0400

Pink’s baby Willow: not amused by bike transportation. Can’t say I blame her — also, I’m not amused by her shoes in the least.

Nick and Mariah renewed their vows last night at Disneyland, in...

Wed, 01 May 2013 11:57:00 -0400

Nick and Mariah renewed their vows last night at Disneyland, in a fairytale-themed attentionfest that they somehow coerced 250 guests into attending. (It was also in celebration of Moroccan and Monroe’s birthday, although you’d never have known it, by the looks of things.)

I’m pretty sure Mariah is still mad that the twins’ birth was overshadowed by the biggest news weekend of 2011, and she’s trying to make up for it. Next year: vow renewal on the moon.

So the Queen of the Netherlands officially abdicated her...

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 17:45:52 -0400

So the Queen of the Netherlands officially abdicated her position today, and her son, the now-King Willem-Alexander, took her place. That means that these three little girls, literally sitting here in thrones with their grandmother the has-been Queen, are the first, second, and third in line for the Dutch throne. (Whatever the Dutch Queen job entails, it can’t be much more than cracking champagne bottles on cruise ships, which is pretty much my dream job.) The biggest one, Princess Catharina-Amalia, is now the Princess of Orange, and is the first woman in history to hold that title in her own right.

Crap, I don’t know what any of this means, only that there are three little girls who I hadn’t heard of last night but am now extremely jealous of.