Time for another edition of “Somebody’s Lying About Suri Cruise.” As the school year (blech) begins, plenty of folks are starting ghastly rumors about me — let’s debunk them, shall we?
- I was photographed this weekend near a dog, and everyone assumed that I had a new pet. While it’s no secret I am in the market for a little furry companion, you all should really know better. What I want is a tiny puppy I can name Anderson Cooper and carry around in a Louis Vuitton bag. This dog (Katie’s brother’s) looks like the stray that Little Orphan Annie picked up off the street. I have standards.
- Katie got new shoes! False. I made that up, because I so badly want it to be true. I’m actually starting to believe those elfin boots are welded to her feet like the ruby slippers in The Wizard of Oz — only in Katie’s case, the bonding agent is laziness and bad taste, not witch magic. I am worried she is planning to wear them to her runway show next week. Yikes.
- Page Six is reporting that my classmates’ parents are … worried that their daughters will be mistaken for me by the paparazzi? According to a source, “The girls will all be in uniforms, and they’re worried their daughters will be mistaken for Suri by the paparazzi outside the school.” I don’t know if this is true, but if it is, wow are they stupid. They really have nothing to worry about — I’m very confident that the paparazzi know the difference between Suri Cruise and a commoner. And there is a difference.
- Multiple sources report that I wrote a book. This one is, of course, true, and it’s officially on sale today. Yeah, and those other kindergarteners think they could be confused for me.