There are crazy rumors going around that while in Mumbai, Tom was swarmed with adoring fans who were, in reality, nothing more than out-of-work Indian actors who received $3 and a free lunch in exchange for making my father feel as loved as Justin Bieber. Said one such performer:
“Tom kaun? I don’t know who he is or what he does. We were told to come here by 1pm today and wait for a foreign VIP to come out of the airport gate and scream and shout when he came. None of us know who Tom is. There was a buffet lunch also for us and we were paid Rs 150 for this job today. We do this for television shows and other such events where crowds are required.”
This is ludicrous! This is outrageous! This is … oh, who am I kidding — this is completely true. Of course Tom’s people paid for a photo-op to make him feel special.
Why else do you think I still live under the same roof as this guy?
My only qualms are (A) not requiring these three-dollar thespians to sign a non-disclosure agreement was clearly a huge mistake and (B) three dollars? Didn’t you hear I just negotiated for a pony?