A Retrospective on the Year, on My Seventh Birthday
- Rode in a taxi, touched a public hand railing, and got a heel stuck in a subway grate. Basically, became a New Yorker.
- Flew commercial and came thisclose to contracting polio.
- Started biking. Stopped biking.
- Participated in two months of “The Year of Katie,” before everyone gave up.
- Started proletariat school, which requires me to wear the same outfit five days a week. Don’t worry about me, though. I accessorize to perfection.
- Wrote a book. (At last count, no Jolie-Pitt has written more than a sentence.)
- Survived Hurricane Sandy, which involved three days in a hotel room with Katie. Applied for a Presidential Medal of Freedom.
- Fired the most conspicuous body double in body double history.
- Experimented with bangs, because I live on the edge.
I am now seven. Please gift accordingly — I am asking for a puppy and loose diamonds.
Tori Spelling is showing off her post-babies weight loss in Us Weekly, and boy would I like to see the outtakes from this photoshoot if this is the best shot of Hattie and Finn they could get. Poor Hattie looks like she’s about to be sick — whether from standing barefoot on grass or being involved in this debacle, we’ll never know.
You know, for as much as Gwyneth Paltrow likes to spend money, you’d really think she would buy Apple more flattering outfits. Goop’s probably wearing $2000 jeans in this picture, and Apple’s wearing a shirt from the British equivalent of K-Mart. How is that fair?
Jessica Simpson had her second baby shower this year, because I guess that’s something people do now. At this rate, Jessica’s friends are going to be broke by 2015.
Fellow celebrities, a word. The only two circumstances under which it is not aggressively tacky to throw a second (or third or fourth) baby shower are as follows:
- A charity shower, so people can celebrate the mom (as they should, since she is about to birth a new famous person) without having to buy her tacky self a present. She is rich — it is insulting to suggest that she can’t afford her own baby gear.
- If you meet all of these criteria: you have a bunch of boys, you are finally pregnant with a girl, your youngest is older than five, and your name rhymes with Blictoria Schmeckham. Then it’s okay.
Former First Daughter Jenna Bush Hager gave birth to a baby girl named Margaret Laura on Saturday. Babies really need longer than a day to get cute enough for the Today Show (where this photo debuted), but way to go Jenna for this fierce postbaby pose. Your hair looks amazing.
Great name, too. The baby is named after both of her grandmothers, but will be called Mila. Because when you name a kid after not one but two grandmas, you really need to nickname her after America’s sexiest actress for balance.
In closing, Mrs. Bush, please never wear that scarf again.
Flynn Bloom, what is this look? Are you a hipster? Are you a surfer in winterwear?
Also, why are you walking on such a cracked-up sidewalk? I thought you were rich.
If you wanted proof I have less influence over Tom’s wardrobe nowadays, here it is: a turtleneck on a red carpet.
There’s a rumor going around that Kim Kardashian sent the Duchess of Cambridge a baby gift, since the two are both due in July and that made Kim “incredibly excited.” (First of all, Kim, you shouldn’t be incredibly excited — this means that your child, if it’s lucky, will be the third-most talked about delivery in July, after Kate’s baby and Kate’s placenta.)
Kim seems to think this will give her and the Duchess something to bond over, kind of like how she went around her wedding chanting, “This is our version of the Royal Wedding!” (Please. It was in a tent.)
But anyway, I guess if you see Kate in a leopard print “maternity” jumpsuit stretched too tight over her backside, you’ll know where she got it.
The big celebrity baby news this week is that Halle Berry is pregnant at age 46. Even Halle says she is surprised. I’m not totally sure what’s going on with this early-maternity style (it’s way too early for drawstrings), but I’m sure Halle will figure it out eventually.
This gives me hope that other old celebrities can still have children, as well — Jennifer Aniston and Dame Helen Mirren, it’s not too late!
Chris Hemsworth still insists on carrying Baby India around everywhere, but now that she can hold her own head up, it’s a little less scary to watch him do so.
Also, although I am not a fan of bare feet or most horizontal stripes, I have to admit that this is a very cute baby.