February 2012
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Is it my birthday?
When I first saw this, I thought it was some Perez Hilton project, but no. Ladies and gentlemen, Harper Beckham threw up on herself yesterday.
HOW EMBARRASSING.
The only thing more mortifying than being seen with Tom Cruise is publicly vomiting while barefoot. Gosh, I hope Baby Harper is okay!
Meanwhile, I can barely contain my glee.
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Beyonce has re-emerged, in a dress that is too small to flatter any part of this post-baby body. (Is that ruching or is her dress just stretched beyond its limits?)
She was also apparently wearing blue nail polish as an homage to daughter Blue Ivy, and I would just like to say a big, loud NO.
You are not appropriating the color blue. You do not own it. Your baby doesn’t own it. I happen...
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Leni. Leni, Leni, Leni.
I know you’re going through a rough time right now. I know your world is crazier than a Kardashian dinner party. But that doesn’t excuse pairing bunchy tights with Crocs.
I like your ballet outfit — and you and your mom’s matchy-slouchy sweaters, even.
But you are a lady, and ladies wear real shoes.
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Well, things are finally starting to make sense around here.
Brad Pitt admitted to James Lipton on Inside the Actors Studio that he keeps the Jolie-Pitt children’s energy up with caffeine.
“I admit there’s times like, ‘We gotta get up. Get up! Here’s your shoes. Here’s your shoes. Drink this Coke. Drink this Coca-Cola. Drink it all. Right now! Drink it!...
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I’ve recently been alerted to a startling Kardashian fact. (Sorry to admit — I do not watch Kourtney and Kim Take New York. I would rather eat glue.)
Mason Disick, age two, has an imaginary friend named “Donna.”
Life is so rough in that house, and those people are so vapid, that the two-year-old has to invent more interesting people to hang out with. And honestly, I bet...
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Madonna very slyly added — and then deleted — her daughter Lourdes from her upcoming film W.E., about the romance between Wallis Simpson and Edward VIII.
“There was a scene where she played Wally as a young girl, and I just kind of dragged her in at the last minute. It was quite unfair of me what I did and what I asked her to do. But she was really great and then I ended up...
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I don’t touch coins, but I believe this contraption allows users to purchase street parking in varying increments of time.
How novel! Look how much Seraphina Affleck appears to be enjoying this pedestrian task! Poor people are so creative.
I myself have never been more thankful for chauffeurs and valet parking.
January 2012
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I know it’s not fair, but when your mother becomes an overnight A-lister, you’ve got to step up your game, Vivian Falcone.
Look, I loved Bridesmaids as much as the next girl, but I don’t have the same Melissa McCarthy fever as the rest of America. (No one beats Amy Poehler for an Emmy with a CBS show and gets away with it, in my book.)
And by my counting, Vivian is wearing at...
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Here’s a photo of Kingston Rossdale touching a live fish with his bare hands and ruining any possibility of shaking my hand, ever.
The only thing grosser than fish-grabbing is … well, those pants, actually. Put this outfit on a misleading doppelganger in a Where’s Waldo picture and never, under any circumstances, wear anything with a drawstring in public again.
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As if my rivalry with Blue Ivy Carter wasn’t enough, here’s a reminder that I still have a grown-up frenemy across the pond…
The Mirror reports that my sworn enemy Barbara Walters and my dear friend Oprah Winfrey (we’re back on, for now) are jockeying to secure the first interview with Pippa Middleton. Pip has written a party-planning book and will soon be making the...
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I feel like my life would be less stressful if I could just understand Coco Arquette. It’s not so much that the dress is bad (although people need to learn that sparkle does not improve upon a shapeless silhouette), but rather that she desperately needs a lesson in hair and accessories.
The shoes are very public-school prom, the hair is flat and lifeless, and would it kill her to add some...
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Justin Bieber was on hand yesterday as Michael Jackson was honored with a “Michael Jackson Immortalized Day” on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
The Jackson children put their own hand- and footprints in cement for the occasion. (I would suggest that including the handprints of these non-contributors cheapens the value of the Walk, but they took care of that themselves in 1986.)
My...
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And the betrayal just keeps rolling in.
Rumors spread today that Oprah Winfrey will serve as Blue Ivy Carter’s godmother, a fact which I cannot stomach.
As you all know, my family’s relationship with Oprah (and her furniture) goes back years. Just last Christmas, she holidayed with us in Telluride. I have sat through countless dinners with that insufferable Gayle King, all because my parents will...
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I don’t particularly like going to Disneyland with Tom, but I needed someone to carry my bag.
Also, does anyone else think that horse pillar looks suspiciously like Violet Affleck?
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Look at this mother-daughter cuteness. I haven’t posed that nicely for a photograph with my mother since I could walk.
I never know what to think about Alice Richmond, daughter of Tina Fey and Some Guy. On the one hand, I’m prettier than she is, and she is probably kind of a nerd.
But on the other hand … nerds are “in,” despite my strong protestation, and in those...
