Angelina Jolie recently took Zahara and Shiloh on a special trip to get their ears pierced. Zahara went first and apparently had an epic meltdown, complete with screaming, crying, and comparing the earring gun to “a stapler.” This histrionic outburst caused Shiloh to reconsider having her own ears pierced.
I don’t have my ears pierced, but I’m sure I’ve had more painful experiences than this: pinching shoes, too-tight dresses, that one time Katie dressed me in jeans. I make the necessary sacrifices for fashion—sacrifices I’m certain Shiloh Jolie-Pitt would never make.
I can’t even believe that a wealthy person paid money for those shorts. Or those knee socks. (Knee socks? Seriously?) And while I can appreciate the occasional use of licensed merchandise, I think Apple Martin’s Hello Kitty bag is rather childish. The whole ensemble is just a little too pedestrian for someone of her financial standing. Ah, well. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Everyone knows I only carry my Little Mermaid bag ironically:
Tom is filming on location, so I was dragged to Pittsburgh for the weekend. Pittsburgh is known for bridges, steel manufacturing, and other boring things primarily handled by the working class.
So I came and I let somebody paint a butterfly on my face, and I smiled for Tom’s Blackberry camera. (Does anybody else still have a Blackberry, by the way?) I didn’t complain that my heels kept sinking into the ground or that the sun was in my face or that my hair touched the face paint and it was gross or that …
Forget about Jessica Alba’s new baby, Haven. (Cute, but the socks don’t fit.)
Her older daughter, Honor, is a real sassypants, and I think we could be friends. Here she is, on the cover of OK! Magazine (the British version), sticking her tongue out and basically stealing all the attention from her new baby sister.
Jennifer Garner went on Ellen and said she wants her third baby to be another girl.
"Three girls is a great way to grow up. I’m one of three girls and my little sister is awesome, so I just want a Susannah. It would be so weird to have a boy."
First of all, have you seen Violet Affleck? This kid’s going to be weird no matter what.
Second of all, what if this baby is a boy? He’ll grow up and Google his parents and find out they didn’t want him. Actually, scratch that. Googling Ben Affleck is going to come up with far more unsavory results than this.
Emily Procter had a baby in January and named her Pippa, and now she is complaining about it.
“As an Emily, anytime I’m in any sort of a giant store, I hear it 60 times and I never know if it was for me or someone else. We were thinking it would be really nice for her to have a name that’s not everywhere. When Pippa Middleton showed up, we realized we maybe picked a name that is more everywhere than Emily all of a sudden.”
Listen. Emily Procter should’ve done her research. Pippa Middleton didn’t “show up,” and she certainly didn’t do it after January. Any respectful attention-payer knows she’s been on the world’s radar since at least 2007, when a post-breakup Kate dragged her sister to nearly every London nightclub in an attempt to make Prince William jealous.
(Totally worked, by the way. She wears fancy hats for a job now.)
I will be curious to know whether Pippa becomes a huge name, now that Ms. Middleton has become a global phenomenon, or if parents are too afraid to use it, knowing that their child will never live up to the name.
Look, I love Burberry as much as the next Anglophile, but this is a little much. With the moccasins, the sunglasses, and the aggressive use of the Burberry Check, Mason Disick is trying just a little too hard. Or should I say—Kourtney Kardashian is trying just a little too hard. (I assume Mason isn’t ready for the responsibility of dressing himself yet, although from the looks of it, he might do a better job himself.)
Everyone knows that the most respectful way to wear Burberry is as the lining in a classic coat.
Emily Deschanel from Bones had a baby yesterday, and his name is Henry Hornsby. 4/5 of the letters in his first name are also in his last name, and it features alliteration. (That’s right. I learned fractions.)
I’m sure he is cute—well, pretty sure—but alliteration should really be limited to similes, idioms, and characters in Harry Potter. Actually, are we sure Henry Hornsby isn’t a Harry Potter character? Probably a squib.
Now Magazine is reporting some serious lies about me.
"Once a month, Katie sets up a spa and salon in their Beverly Hills home, like an adult version of the Rodeo Drive experience. They’ll put Suri in a gown, wash her hair with Aveda shampoo, and then Katie styles her hair so that she feels like a real movie star. Suri’s been fascinated by Katie’s makeup for a long time."
Michelle Williams is so weird. She told Hobo Magazine about how she makes choices:
"What situations optimize my parenting? Which really is the most important thing in my world. That’s the question that I’m asking. How do I live my life and work in a way that makes me the best parent I can be? I think it’s the ultimate creative act. If this doesn’t turn out well then there is no success or awards in the world that can make up for it. So I’m always wondering what that balance is, and where it is.
I often dream of quitting acting. Walking away and becoming a laundress or a sous chef, or maybe writing other people’s love letters for a living.”
I am so glad my mother dropped this nutcase, because she makes me really nervous. Even though I know, logically, my family will always be solidly on the A list, I am still always pushing Katie to make better choices. I hope Matilda is doing the same thing. Also, Hobo Magazine? What is that? A magazine for or by hobos? Or do they just choose varying hobos to grace their cover each month, in which case, Michelle Williams was a good choice.
Angelina Jolie took Knox and possibly some of her other kids to Legoland in the UK. While I suppose that sounds like a more fun day than trying to keep Shiloh from breaking things in your rented castle, I believe that if you’re going to debase yourself by visiting a theme park, there’s really only one way to do it:
Britney Spears appeared on the UK morning program Daybreak, where she talked about her childrens’ futures:
“When I’m on the road they come with me and they love being on the road. When I was younger I was always on the road and it’s always exciting. They are in awe, they come home and copy the dancers and the dancers’ moves and try to get on their heads and do spins and do all these things. They’ll definitely, probably be, in the entertainment businesses.”
I mean, if Sean Preston and Jayden can figure out how to make money on headspins, they should do it, because it’s not like they’re going to be stockbrokers or pilots or any kind of job that requires math.
Also, “definitely, probably” is a great phrase. Kind of like saying, “Britney Spears is definitely, probably not a danger to those kids anymore.”
I’ve spoken before about Jessica Capshaw and her daughter Eve, and it’s clear they’re not taking my advice. In fact, I’m fairly certain that Eve had food in her mouth at the precise moment this picture was taken. You have to think before you eat. I’ve been counting calories since before I could count. Gosh, Mrs. Capshaw’s arms must be so strong.
So January Jones had her baby. Good for her, raising little Xander Dane Jones all by herself. (That’s what she named him, by the way—Xander Dane Jones. Yep.)
Like all educated Americans, I watch Mad Men, and I am terrified of January Jones. I’m sure she’s a nice person, but isn’t everyone just a little bit afraid that she’s going to be a frightening parent?
I am looking forward to seeing pictures of Xander Dane Jones, so that the inevitable speculation about his paternity can begin in earnest.
There are rumors going around that Julia Roberts is pregnant, because in these photos, she is wearing pants under her pants, and I guess that is something that pregnant women do.
Julia Roberts lives in New Mexico, I think in a pre-Columbian pueblo dwelling. Her daughter is wearing a shirt that says “Live Simply,” and Julia herself has accidentally missed a button on her shirt. She is a lost cause.
Oh, look! It’s a creepy, wide-angle zoom lens paparazzi photo of Aleph Millepied and his mom, Natalie Portman!
Now, I have my own issues with photographers, but I am okay with it when they uncover something as cute as this. Everyone has seen Natalie Portman’s fiancé, and Aleph could’ve gone either way. That is one adorable baby.
Gosh, I love Natalie Portman. Fun fact: Black Swan inspired me to learn ballet.
Nick Cannon told People Magazine that he will “absolutely not” allow his children with Mariah Carey, the ridiculously named Moroccan and Monroe, to be in the entertainment industry.
“I just want them to strive for something greater than entertainment. I’m one of those believers in teachers, professors, heart surgeons. That’s what I’m rooting for. If I could get a scientist, that’d be amazing.”
First of all, I think it’s ridiculous when parents look down on the profession that has made them successful and famous. I mean, who do you think Nick Cannon would be if he wasn’t the host of America’s Got Talent? Probably a cater-waiter.
Second of all, there’s no way that Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon’s genes produced a heart surgeon. There’s just no way.
They should be hoping against hope that those babies inherit a smidge of their mother’s talent and their father’s … gosh, I don’t know, persistence?
"I’ve always wanted kids. It’s just about the timing. I have it in my mind about what amount of money I want in the bank so that I can protect that child’s future, and really protect it, so that kid never struggles. Once I feel safe with that, then I’ll have kids.”
For someone as crass and unprofessional and just generally GROSS as Megan Fox, this is such delightfully surprising responsibility! I just assumed she and her husband weren’t having kids because humans and vampires can’t procreate.
Based on this slightly-bumpish photo of Fergie, people are speculating that she is pregnant. I don’t think that’s true—I think she probably just had a hearty breakfast. Maybe that’s just wishful thinking on my part—does the world really need a Fergie baby? I mean, look at her! She can’t even remember pants!
Look at this family. Well-dressed, well-coiffed, well-accessorized, and not a Croc in sight. I’m not totally sure what’s going on with Ava’s boots—I assume they’re meant to juxtapose the classy, old-money style going on with the rest of her look, but like I always say—good taste never needs to be downplayed.
Yes, this is Hollywood perfection. And then someone had to hit it with a car.
Is it just me, or does Leelee Sobieski’s daughter Louisanna look like Jesse Eisenberg?
That may sound rude, but I love him. I am a shadow member of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, and I definitely voted for him for Best Actor. The Social Network—I just love capitalism so much.
I am just so proud. Sure, their hair is messy and they’re still favoring Crocs, and their mom is wearing a shirt with a tail and pants that contain an inordinate amount of Lycra, but look at Violet and Seraphina’s cute little coordinating dresses!
The possibility of matching outfits almost makes me wish I had a younger sister. (Not really. I was just saying that to be nice.)
Two-month-old Harper Seven Beckham is pictured out and about with mom Victoria. Overall, my protégée is looking very lovely in an avian pattern dress (and you can just tell her hair is going to be enviable), but WHERE ARE HER SHOES?
And people were worried that she and I would be rivals. As if. Harper clearly has a LOT to learn.
Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, pregnant First Lady of France, gave an interview where she said she will protect her children from the press at all costs:
"I will never show a photograph of this child and will never expose it [to publicity] […] My eldest son was exposed once and not in a public situation but in a private situation and it was a great error. I should never have taken my son to visit this magnificent site. I should have foreseen that there would be photographers there. I was careless."
The “private situation” she describes was a visit to the archaeological ruins in Petra, Jordan. Not my favorite tourist destination (dusty, beige-y, extremely lacking in the hotel department), but still a sight to see. As a foreign dignitary and as a privileged person, it is actually kind of cruel for Mrs. S to shelter her children so extremely, when she could be introducing them to the world’s greatest treasures: the Uffizi, the Parthenon, afternoon tea at the Plaza…
You may recall that I spent the first six months of my life alone with my parents, and only recently have I been able to overcome that trauma.
Jada Pinkett Smith gave an interview to OK! Magazine where she said the following:
"Thank goodness they have a father and I don’t have to raise them alone. Having been raised by a single mother I’m very clear on what the difficulties of being raised by a single mother are."
Full disclosure: we are old family friends with the Pinkett-Smiths, but I find them utterly exhausting. Being around Willow Smith for an afternoon is more taxing than trying to dress Katie during awards season. I would believe it if I heard that Mr. and Mrs. Smith are only staying together because Willow is just way too much work for one person. I love her like a sister, but most of the time, I just hate her so much.
Bethenny Frankel’s daughter, Bryn, is a vegetarian:
"As far as raising Bryn as a vegetarian, that was a personal choice. If Bryn is older and wants something at a party that isn’t vegetarian, I don’t want her to feel ostracized. She’ll find her way… I have eaten raw, vegan, vegetarian, etc. and I love the feeling of eating all of those healthy foods and not incorporating meat. If I have to vow to never eat meat again because she starts to notice that I have a piece of turkey bacon, then I may make that sacrifice.”
I am all for healthy living, but there is nothing like a good steak. Listen, there is such a thing as a food chain, and it is delicious at the top. I feel bad that young Bryn will never know the joy of a medium-rare filet mignon or a perfectly braised rack of lamb. I would never stand for that.
Well, look who it is: Shiloh Jolie-Pitt behaving like a raving lunatic aboard the London Eye while sister Zahara pats her leg and says, “Maybe you should get down and close your mouth now. You’re embarrassing the bejesus out out me.”
Jennifer Aniston’s new boyfriend, Justin Theroux, seems like bad news, but if he makes Jennifer happy, I guess I’ll just have to live with it.
Anyway, she brought him with her to a doctor’s appointment, which seems a little curious. Most adults don’t need moral support for a check-up; even I started going by myself after my two-year-old shots.
Personally, I hope she is pregnant, because I think her baby would be cute and it’s obvious that she secretly wants to have one. Plus, it might make Brad Pitt feel bad about his life choices, and that’s always a good reason to have a baby.
Honor Warren is one of the few celebrity children who usually keeps her wits about her. This whole new baby thing at the Alba-Warren house must really be throwing her for a loop, though—just look at her trying and failing to get that straw in her mouth!