September 2011
47 posts
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Is it just me, or does Levi McConaughey look like he belongs in “It’s a Small World”?
This particular outfit is very Disney-Bavarian, but the haircut (or lack thereof) screams his true nationality: redneck.
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Miranda Kerr loves to dress Flynn in horizontal stripes, and, frankly, he looks a little too much like the boy from The Addams Family for that to be a good idea.
(By the way, I saw The Addams Family musical, but only to heckle Brooke Shields. It was terrible.)
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Angelina Jolie recently took Zahara and Shiloh on a special trip to get their ears pierced. Zahara went first and apparently had an epic meltdown, complete with screaming, crying, and comparing the earring gun to “a stapler.” This histrionic outburst caused Shiloh to reconsider having her own ears pierced.
I don’t have my ears pierced, but I’m sure I’ve had more...
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I can’t even believe that a wealthy person paid money for those shorts. Or those knee socks. (Knee socks? Seriously?) And while I can appreciate the occasional use of licensed merchandise, I think Apple Martin’s Hello Kitty bag is rather childish. The whole ensemble is just a little too pedestrian for someone of her financial standing. Ah, well. The apple doesn’t fall far from...
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Tom is filming on location, so I was dragged to Pittsburgh for the weekend. Pittsburgh is known for bridges, steel manufacturing, and other boring things primarily handled by the working class.
So I came and I let somebody paint a butterfly on my face, and I smiled for Tom’s Blackberry camera. (Does anybody else still have a Blackberry, by the way?) I didn’t complain that my heels...
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Forget about Jessica Alba’s new baby, Haven. (Cute, but the socks don’t fit.)
Her older daughter, Honor, is a real sassypants, and I think we could be friends. Here she is, on the cover of OK! Magazine (the British version), sticking her tongue out and basically stealing all the attention from her new baby sister.
That baby doesn’t stand a chance at being famous.
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I wish I knew where to begin with these photographs of the Jolie-Pitts hanging out with Gwen Stefani and her children.
There’s Shiloh, making it clear just how inexperienced with makeup she is. (That blush would be all wrong for her complexion even if she had applied it correctly.) At least she’s trying?
There’s Kingston Rossdale wearing what looks like lipstick all over his...
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Jennifer Garner went on Ellen and said she wants her third baby to be another girl.
“Three girls is a great way to grow up. I’m one of three girls and my little sister is awesome, so I just want a Susannah. It would be so weird to have a boy.”
First of all, have you seen Violet Affleck? This kid’s going to be weird no matter what.
Second of all, what if this baby is...
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Emily Procter had a baby in January and named her Pippa, and now she is complaining about it.
“As an Emily, anytime I’m in any sort of a giant store, I hear it 60 times and I never know if it was for me or someone else. We were thinking it would be really nice for her to have a name that’s not everywhere. When Pippa Middleton showed up, we realized we maybe picked a name that is more...
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I share half of my genetic material with a woman who has signed on to appear on a third-rate CBS sitcom as a character named—wait for it—the Slutty Pumpkin.
Forget about the fact that How I Met Your Mother is significantly past its prime. (Not that that stopped her from starring in the similar story my father likes to tell me.)
Forget about the fact that neither “slutty”...
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Look, I love Burberry as much as the next Anglophile, but this is a little much. With the moccasins, the sunglasses, and the aggressive use of the Burberry Check, Mason Disick is trying just a little too hard. Or should I say—Kourtney Kardashian is trying just a little too hard. (I assume Mason isn’t ready for the responsibility of dressing himself yet, although from the looks of it,...
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Emily Deschanel from Bones had a baby yesterday, and his name is Henry Hornsby. 4/5 of the letters in his first name are also in his last name, and it features alliteration. (That’s right. I learned fractions.)
I’m sure he is cute—well, pretty sure—but alliteration should really be limited to similes, idioms, and characters in Harry Potter. Actually, are we sure Henry...
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Now Magazine is reporting some serious lies about me.
“Once a month, Katie sets up a spa and salon in their Beverly Hills home, like an adult version of the Rodeo Drive experience. They’ll put Suri in a gown, wash her hair with Aveda shampoo, and then Katie styles her hair so that she feels like a real movie star. Suri’s been fascinated by Katie’s makeup for a long...
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Michelle Williams is so weird. She told Hobo Magazine about how she makes choices:
“What situations optimize my parenting? Which really is the most important thing in my world. That’s the question that I’m asking. How do I live my life and work in a way that makes me the best parent I can be? I think it’s the ultimate creative act. If this doesn’t turn out well then there is no success...
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Angelina Jolie took Knox and possibly some of her other kids to Legoland in the UK. While I suppose that sounds like a more fun day than trying to keep Shiloh from breaking things in your rented castle, I believe that if you’re going to debase yourself by visiting a theme park, there’s really only one way to do it:
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Britney Spears appeared on the UK morning program Daybreak, where she talked about her childrens’ futures:
“When I’m on the road they come with me and they love being on the road. When I was younger I was always on the road and it’s always exciting. They are in awe, they come home and copy the dancers and the dancers’ moves and try to get on their heads and do spins and do all these...
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I’ve spoken before about Jessica Capshaw and her daughter Eve, and it’s clear they’re not taking my advice. In fact, I’m fairly certain that Eve had food in her mouth at the precise moment this picture was taken. You have to think before you eat. I’ve been counting calories since before I could count. Gosh, Mrs. Capshaw’s arms must be so strong.
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It’s a Garner-Affleck photo and EVERYONE’S CLOTHES FIT. Everyone’s hair looks washed. I even like Violet’s bold choice of shoe color.
Is this real life?
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Just smile and nod. She was just happy to be let out of the house.
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So January Jones had her baby. Good for her, raising little Xander Dane Jones all by herself. (That’s what she named him, by the way—Xander Dane Jones. Yep.)
Like all educated Americans, I watch Mad Men, and I am terrified of January Jones. I’m sure she’s a nice person, but isn’t everyone just a little bit afraid that she’s going to be a frightening parent?
...
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There are rumors going around that Julia Roberts is pregnant, because in these photos, she is wearing pants under her pants, and I guess that is something that pregnant women do.
Who cares?
Julia Roberts lives in New Mexico, I think in a pre-Columbian pueblo dwelling. Her daughter is wearing a shirt that says “Live Simply,” and Julia herself has accidentally missed a button on her...
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Oh, look! It’s a creepy, wide-angle zoom lens paparazzi photo of Aleph Millepied and his mom, Natalie Portman!
Now, I have my own issues with photographers, but I am okay with it when they uncover something as cute as this. Everyone has seen Natalie Portman’s fiancé, and Aleph could’ve gone either way. That is one adorable baby.
Gosh, I love Natalie Portman. Fun fact: Black...
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Nick Cannon told People Magazine that he will “absolutely not” allow his children with Mariah Carey, the ridiculously named Moroccan and Monroe, to be in the entertainment industry.
“I just want them to strive for something greater than entertainment. I’m one of those believers in teachers, professors, heart surgeons. That’s what I’m rooting for. If I could get a...
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As I am sure you are all aware, Victoria Beckham brought Baby Harper to New York Fashion Week. And according to Mrs. B, Harper is LOVING IT.
“We went in to Prada yesterday and she loved it. It was as if she was saying, ‘Mummy, I’m home!’”
Look, we get it.
Baby Harper is beautiful, Baby Harper is powerful, Baby Harper has great taste.
Stop trying so hard.
...
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This is the grossest thing I’ve seen since Katie decided leggings are pants.
Oh, Valentina, I just hope you are fully vaccinated.
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I mean, they already treat Mason like an accessory, so why not?
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Here’s Nahla Aubry looking bored on a trolley ride in Spain.
I feel you, Nahla. Public transportation is mortifying and disgusting, and Spain is one of the most overrated countries in western Europe.
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Megan Fox recently told The Hollywood Reporter about her decision to wait to have children:
“I’ve always wanted kids. It’s just about the timing. I have it in my mind about what amount of money I want in the bank so that I can protect that child’s future, and really protect it, so that kid never struggles. Once I feel safe with that, then I’ll have kids.”
...
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Yes, I am five. Yes, it’s red lipstick. But do “normal” kindergarteners read Vogue and feel the pressure to stay ahead of the trend at Fashion Week?
I didn’t think so.
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Here is Isla Fisher and her cute ginger daughter Olive going for a bike ride in New York City. Look how fun! Bikes! Helmets! Pedaling!
Haha just kidding! Bikes are for people with ugly feet and a death wish.
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Based on this slightly-bumpish photo of Fergie, people are speculating that she is pregnant. I don’t think that’s true—I think she probably just had a hearty breakfast. Maybe that’s just wishful thinking on my part—does the world really need a Fergie baby? I mean, look at her! She can’t even remember pants!
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Why, yes, I am missing “school” for New York Fashion Week. All they were “teaching” was colors, and I’ve known my eggshell from my ivory since before I could walk.
This is where I am meant to be.
As for Katie? Well, she’s meant to be somewhere else entirely. Possibly 1971.
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Look at this family. Well-dressed, well-coiffed, well-accessorized, and not a Croc in sight. I’m not totally sure what’s going on with Ava’s boots—I assume they’re meant to juxtapose the classy, old-money style going on with the rest of her look, but like I always say—good taste never needs to be downplayed.
Yes, this is Hollywood perfection. And then someone...
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Is it just me, or does Leelee Sobieski’s daughter Louisanna look like Jesse Eisenberg?
That may sound rude, but I love him. I am a shadow member of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, and I definitely voted for him for Best Actor. The Social Network—I just love capitalism so much.
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Sarah Jessica Parker drives a leased Honda Odyssey:
“I sing along all day long as I’m driving my minivan, dropping the kids off. Respect the van. I’m telling you, it’s the most wonderful car.”
You make Katie look like a cool mom, which is a real feat.
And she LEASES it? Has she learned nothing from Suze Orman? Car payments are for poor people.
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I am just so proud. Sure, their hair is messy and they’re still favoring Crocs, and their mom is wearing a shirt with a tail and pants that contain an inordinate amount of Lycra, but look at Violet and Seraphina’s cute little coordinating dresses!
The possibility of matching outfits almost makes me wish I had a younger sister. (Not really. I was just saying that to be nice.)
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What in the world is this baby’s hair going to look like?
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Look who’s making her public debut!
Two-month-old Harper Seven Beckham is pictured out and about with mom Victoria. Overall, my protégée is looking very lovely in an avian pattern dress (and you can just tell her hair is going to be enviable), but WHERE ARE HER SHOES?
And people were worried that she and I would be rivals. As if. Harper clearly has a LOT to learn.
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Adele told British Vogue:
“I’ve always got on better with boys. Most of my friends are boys. Like, if I have children, I want five boys. Boys love their mothers whereas girls can be so mean to each other.”
Firstly, Adele gets along better with boys? Has she HEARD her own music? Katie cries to Adele ALL THE TIME.
And, yes, girls can be mean to each other. (Hello!) But boys are gross and they...
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Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, pregnant First Lady of France, gave an interview where she said she will protect her children from the press at all costs:
“I will never show a photograph of this child and will never expose it [to publicity] […] My eldest son was exposed once and not in a public situation but in a private situation and it was a great error. I should never have taken my son to...
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It’s part of the deal. I diligently attend kindergarten like some kind of indoctrinated East German underling, and in exchange, she brings me an iced latte and carries all of my belongings.
Also, once you’ve traveled the world and read Nabokov’s entire collection, school is just redundant. On Thursday, I put paste all over my hands just so I could peel it off when it dried.
...
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Jada Pinkett Smith gave an interview to OK! Magazine where she said the following:
“Thank goodness they have a father and I don’t have to raise them alone. Having been raised by a single mother I’m very clear on what the difficulties of being raised by a single mother are.”
Full disclosure: we are old family friends with the Pinkett-Smiths, but I find them utterly...
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Bethenny Frankel’s daughter, Bryn, is a vegetarian: “As far as raising Bryn as a vegetarian, that was a personal choice. If Bryn is older and wants something at a party that isn’t vegetarian, I don’t want her to feel ostracized. She’ll find her way… I have eaten raw, vegan, vegetarian, etc. and I love the feeling of eating all of those healthy foods and not incorporating meat. ...
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Oh, Mrs. Affleck. You know, logic suggests you should wait to rent a private plane until you can also afford a good pair of pants. Or, I don’t know, a belt.
I have to say, though, I appreciate Violet’s commitment to purple, and I understand the urge to dress comfortably for long flights. But let’s not kid ourselves. Who does private jet style best?
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Well, look who it is: Shiloh Jolie-Pitt behaving like a raving lunatic aboard the London Eye while sister Zahara pats her leg and says, “Maybe you should get down and close your mouth now. You’re embarrassing the bejesus out out me.”
Just another Thursday.
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Jennifer Aniston’s new boyfriend, Justin Theroux, seems like bad news, but if he makes Jennifer happy, I guess I’ll just have to live with it.
Anyway, she brought him with her to a doctor’s appointment, which seems a little curious. Most adults don’t need moral support for a check-up; even I started going by myself after my two-year-old shots.
Personally, I hope she is...
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Honor Warren is one of the few celebrity children who usually keeps her wits about her. This whole new baby thing at the Alba-Warren house must really be throwing her for a loop, though—just look at her trying and failing to get that straw in her mouth!
I drink cappuccino. Without a lid.
