Katherine Heigl’s campaign to make people stop thinking she’s an evil witch continues to be a massive failure.
Actually, are we sure that outfit was for Halloween and not just, like, Thursday?
Naleigh, you look cute. Sorry your mom couldn’t take the time to paint a whole butterfly on your face.
The Garner-Affleck girls wore these outfits trick-or-treating on Saturday, and I don’t totally get it. Is Violet going as an apathetic hipster, or are those just her clothes? Do hipsters like Velcro? Does anyone like Velcro?
And what is Seraphina supposed to be? A hobo?
If these are just their clothes, then they are disrespecting the laws of both trick-or-treating and fashion.
Obviously Amy Poehler’s baby wants to be taken seriously, but it’s really hard to do that when his hair is just so red.
How did Amy and her brown-haired husband Will Arnett manage to have such a ginger baby?
Recessive genes scare me. You never know what’s lurking in Tom’s gene pool.
Sandra Bullock’s agents recently purchased an original Andy Warhol print for $14,000 as a gift for Louis, her serious baby. I’m not a big Warhol fan myself (too many colors), but it’s a good introductory piece for a small child. This is a very thoughtful present, as Louis is one of the few celebrity children who can probably appreciate and respect art. Put Shiloh Jolie-Pitt in front of a $14,000 masterpiece and she wouldn’t know whether to admire it or eat it.
Giulia Bruni-Sarkozy, the “First Baby of France,” is, as expected, on the receiving end of a stockpile of gifts from world leaders.
Angela Merkel, the German Chancellor, presented her with a traditional German Steiff bear. (Boring. But Angela Merkel is a personal hero of mine, so I’m somewhat jealous.)
David Cameron brought her a pink blanket as a gift. Whatever. David Cameron is dead to me.
Morocco’s King Mohamed sent white orchids. Don’t those symbolize famine or hellish despair or something? If they didn’t before, they do now.
The real kicker is that Jacques and Bernadette Chirac, the former President and First Lady of France, sent a smoke-colored Dior robe and a handwritten note from Mr. Chirac. Sure, I’d want that Dior outfit, but actual correspondence with a Head of State, sitting or post-office?
Political influence is the one thing I covet. Well, political influence and a Birkin bag.
So this is weird. Here’s a video of Tom shooting Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol in Dubai last year, and he looks … kind of awesome?
Ah, the wonders of editing.
True story: I was on set that day. Katie was very anxious — but, then again, she usually is when she’s around my father. I was more interested in the snacks … as I usually am when I’m around my father.
Life & Style Magazine has an exclusive peek into the Carey-Something twins’s nursery. It’s just as posh as you’d expect from Mariah’s team, but I want to see the sweet little rocking chair where she sits with little Moroccan and Monroe and cuddles them and reads books to them!
Hahahahahaha. As if.
Katherine Heigl and her besneakered family tried to go to the Los Angeles Zoo on Saturday, but when they got there, they found out it was closed for the day.
Yeah, right.
You know what I think happened? The zookeepers saw them coming and pretended like the zoo was closed. I’m picturing elephants trying to hide themselves behind garbage cans and such.
Even zoo animals know that Katherine Heigl is just the worst.
Kiernan Shipka, age 11, did a piece for Lucky Magazine about her favorite outfits. Here is an excerpt:
“I just was reading Taviʼs blog, The Style Rookie, and immediately ran upstairs and put this number on. Itʼs totally vintage inspired—and the pants are actually vintage Floriane. The cardigan is Olive Juice, the glasses are Chanel and the headband is Jessica Oilette.”
Sally Draper, you are my spirit animal.
Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber adopted a dog together. Its name is Baylor and here’s a picture of Selena Gomez holding the dog while wearing a Baylor sweatshirt — GET IT? That’s the dog’s name AND it’s on her sweatshirt. You might as well just put me out of my misery because my life is officially OVER.
Ick. Just kidding. I do not have Bieber Fever. In fact, I wish the U.S. government had put as many resources behind the scourge that is Bieber Fever as it did the H1N1 pandemic.
Just one more reason why FEMA is useless.
Cute puppy, though.
Kristin Davis adopted a baby named Gemma Rose. I am a strong supporter of adoption. Everyone — my family included — often forgets that I, myself, have adopted siblings.
What’s troubling about this Hello! cover is that, even after giving an exclusive interview, Kristin and Gemma are sharing the cover with Kimberly Stewart and her not-ready-for-photoshoots baby. And she’s not even getting a full fifty percent of the page!
That is so embarrassing.
Tell you what, Vanity Fair would never pull a stunt like this.
Throw a scarf on Kingston Rossdale and you’ve got yourself a pretty convincing Fourth Doctor. Be still my heart.
(Yes, I made a Doctor Who reference. It’s timeless and British, like a Burberry trench coat or taxation without representation.)
Jessica Simpson’s secret baby is really confusing, because I think everyone expected her to be one of those women who exploits her pregnancy for all it’s worth. And now here she is, looking about seven minutes away from delivery, with nary a word of confirmation.
Rumor has it she’s waiting on the right price from magazines willing to shell out cash for an exclusive.
Now that’s our girl.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck has revealed her family’s Halloween costumes of choice:
“We’re all being Jake and the Neverland pirates. Which, I have to say to the parent company, Disney; we need a package version of Jake and the Neverland pirates, because I’ve been putting together this costume. I’m the parrot, Tim’s Captain Hook, little Isaiah’s Cubby…Grace has it all figured out and we’re just going to trick-or-treat like crazy. I love Halloween.”
This is so interesting. I always assumed that Elisabeth Hasselbeck dressed those kids up as her favorite historical Republicans. You know, Ronald Reagan, Sarah Palin, and Dick Cheney.
I bet she gives out the worst Halloween candy ever. (Good & Plenty.)
Well, the world survived the debut of Mariah Carey’s twins.
First things first: I can’t tell if that baby’s head is too small for his body, or if the jacket just hasn’t been tailored properly.
It’s heartening to see that motherhood clearly hasn’t changed Mariah’s outlook on life — she is just as self-centered as ever. She confirmed (again) that the babies were born to a recording of her song, “Fantasy” — the live version, so they heard the roaring applause. Because if you’re Mariah Carey’s child, you should know right off the bat that she is a Big Deal.
Also, after that interview, you might have the impression that Mariah Carey is the first woman on the planet to give birth. “It’s difficult to understand what I went through,” she said, ”Because my pregnancy was very unique in terms of what happened to me. I was afraid I wasn’t going to be able to walk properly again. It was a huge strain.”
Kate Gosselin had six babies at one time and she can still walk. Unfortunately.
Katherine Heigl’s daughter Naleigh is apparently a budding fashionista, according to Us Magazine:
“Naleigh loves clothes. She’s a total girly girl, and she put on these crazy stiletto shoes and could walk in them! She’s three years old and her foot is this big, but she could like walk around in these stilettos that I think are impossible to walk in,” the Knocked Up actress laughed.
Heigl told Us Naleigh is “really chatty now” and even gets “this whole attitude.”
“Not a bad attitude,” she clarified. “But like a very grown-up, saucy attitude that blows my mind. I don’t know where she’s picking it up, and I hope it’s not from me! That would be very upsetting.”
But even though Naleigh is a total girly girl, she actually prefers dad over mom. “She’s a really daddy’s girl, so she’s always liked [Josh] better than me.”
I approve of Naleigh’s fashion choices, although she should probably get some shoes in her size. (Disclaimer: I’m not sure how much of this is an actual story and how much of it is just Katherine Heigl lying to make her daughter seem chic.)
The awkward thing about Katherine Heigl interviews is that she can’t seem to let her faults go. You have to act like the past never happened. Do you see Tom reliving the Oprah Couch Incident or the Matt Lauer Incident or anything about Valkyrie? No.
And yet at every turn, Katherine Heigl loves reminding people that she is a known shrew — of course her daughter’s bad attitude came from her — and that Naleigh dislikes her.
Ugh, why did I just spend so much time talking about these people? Gross.
Brandi Glanville, the actual mom to the kids Leann Rimes thinks are hers, told Life & Style that she thinks Leann oversteps:
“When she has a child of her own, she’ll understand how a lot of the things she says and does regarding my children can be construed as really inappropriate.”
You think?
Ava Phillippe clearly doesn’t even try (case in point: gray sweatshirt), and yet she still looks so much cooler than me. I would hate her, except for that I love her.
August 2007, Paris. I am the real First Baby of France.
Thanks for the shout-out, Time. Don’t worry about me. I swear I’ll be okay. I’ll just be in my treehouse for the rest of the night, eating cake and watching Beaches.
First Lady Michelle Obama gave an interview to iVillage, saying:
“Barack really thinks some of the Kardashians — when they watch that stuff — he doesn’t like that as much. But I sort of feel like if we’re talking about it, and I’m more concerned with how they take it in — what did you learn when you watched that? And if they’re learning the right lessons, like, that was crazy, then I’m like, okay.”
Well, I don’t know about you, but the President’s approval rating just shot up about twelve points, at least in my book. Gosh, can you imagine if you got on the Internet one morning and you found out the President doesn’t like you? Ouch.
That would never happen in my family.
I’m onto you, Honor Warren. I think lately she’s been calculating photo-ops to make herself appear aggressively fearless in the press. I mean, taking out a pinata at the ankles while wearing fashionable mid-calf boots? This girl is clearly challenging me.
The cut-off jean shorts are the only signal that she’s not a real adversary … yet. But I’m keeping my eye on you.
Mariah Carey and what’s-his-name are introducing their babies to the universe on Friday night’s 20/20. In this preview, Mariah sings a song to one of them, and Barbara Walters is just Eating. It. Up.
I feel so betrayed.
Just last month, I had dinner with Barbara, talking about politics and the economy and our mutual fear of Elisabeth Hasselbeck, and now here she is, shooting the breeze with Mariah Carey’s offspring. Reel it in, Barbara.
Also, that baby’s hair is weird and the other one is only wearing one shoe.
Which one of these things do you think smells the worst?
Melissa McCarthy’s daughter is my kind of lady. Here’s a story Ms. McC told People:
“The morning after the Emmys, my oldest one woke me up and she was like, ‘Mama, last night they made you a princess. She was so excited, and I said, ‘Do you want to see it?’ And she’s like, ‘I want to see it.’ I took her in and showed her the Emmy and she’s like, ‘No — the crown.’ She was literally like, ‘What is this piece of tin?’ She was so irritated. She clearly had had it with me. And really all she wanted was the crown.”
Everyone knows the only awards worth winning are Oscars and BAFTAs. Tom has three Golden Globes, and I used them as abstract sculpture art in my dollhouse for a while, before deciding even those tiny people had better taste.
It’s okay, Max. We know you are Christina Aguilera’s son, and we don’t judge you for that. If I covered my face every time I felt ashamed to be seen with my parents … well, people would still be wondering what I look like.
Here are some photos of the Klum-Seal children dressed up as Indians for a pumpkin patch outing. I honestly don’t know if these costumes are an innocent homage to American diversity and acceptance or an offensive display of ethnic stereotypes.
I do know that, no matter what, theme costumes are for lazy mothers and the matching orange crocs … well, you know my feelings on that.
Here’s a photo of Reese Witherspoon and her son Deacon running errands! I love this photo because she is holding $20 bills, which I have never seen this close before.
I mean, barely anyone even carries cash anymore, right? I think studies show that carrying bills lower than fifties is how you get anthrax. I’ve only ever seen fifties and hundreds.
Who’s even on the twenty? I hope it’s Clinton.
Britain’s Prime Minister, David Cameron, is taking a stand for ladies everywhere. See, current law states that male heirs take precedence in the royal line of succession, even if they have older, more competent sisters. Cameron is hoping to modernize the monarchy by making the throne go to the firstborn, no matter what.
Listen, David. (Can I call you David?)
I am all for gender parity and equal pay for equal work and girl power, but does it have to be right now?
You know how I feel about Kate Middleton’s prospective children — I’ve written you several letters preemptively asking for your sensitivity toward this subject, which is admittedly difficult for me. And now you’ve decided you’d like this hypothetical firstborn princess to be a queen, as if she didn’t have enough already.
I’m really disappointed, and you’ve put me in a real jam here.
I can’t publicly oppose a policy that gives women the respect they deserve, but I also can’t support a policy that’s going to make a monarch out of my unborn nemesis. I suppose I’ll just have to grin and bear it — and pray that, boy or girl, this eventual child gets the Windsor hairline.
Wearing cut-off jean shorts and leopard print heels should preclude a person from being a parent. Of course, it should also preclude a person from having a fashion line, and Nicole Richie has two of those, too.
Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian reportedly went to this pet store to purchase a snake for Mason, age 22 months. What happened to traditional pets, like dogs, cats, and thoroughbred racehorses?
I’m actually skeptical that the snake was bought as a pet. It’s more likely that snake is going to become Kourtney’s next shirt or Khloe’s next homemade Botox injection. Somebody call PETA.
The big news this week is that Beyonce might not really be pregnant after all. The first thing I did when I heard this news was pop a Xanax, because OH MY GOD.
Now, I don’t believe these rumors whatsoever. It’s possible that Beyonce added some padding to her baby bump to make her dress look better. I wouldn’t put that past her. But faking her entire pregnancy?
Not even Beyonce would do that to me.
Also, I do have some experience with this kind of thing. Remember this?
Beyonce’s baby is trying to steal my life.
So until the world positively identifies the father of Xander Dane Jones, I think it’s my prerogative to speculate wildly, without any real evidence.
My first guess? Shia LaBeouf. Definitely.
So I guess Kingston Rossdale is going to be hipster Harry Potter for Halloween. He has seriously never been more attractive to me.
Amy Adams, her daughter, and three of the things I hate most in the world:
Crocs.
Sand.
Graphic tees.
There’s one thing Baby Harper has that I never will, and that is dual citizenship. Being a citizen of both the UK and the US is like having the best of both worlds—literally. You get to be cultured and English and on the fast track to Queen-appointed damehood, but you also get to participate in a real democracy.
And as if she weren’t already the most special, most favorite Beckham child, she’s the only one of them with the distinction.
Here she is going in to get her first passport. I bet they’re taking her to Europe soon. This whole Baby Harper thing is getting harder for me every day.
It’s a Columbus Day miracle! So long, Pittsburgh!
Sometimes I think Louis Bullock might be the only person who understands me. If my mother dressed me up as a pirate, got herself a matching hat, and took me to a party where the favors were made out of cardboard, I’d be pretty upset, too.
Yep. Still in Pennsylvania.
Chris Martin told USA Today that when it comes to his children and Coldplay:
“I don’t make them listen to it. No one in our family has to listen to it.”
This is making me reconsider my opinion on the Paltrow-Martin family. I’ve always imagined that spending time with these people would be painful and exhausting; now, I guess maybe it’s just exhausting.
Denise Richards clearly loves taking her children to events where they will be photographed. It’s a choice. But if she’s going to insist on exploiting them, couldn’t she at least put her family in coordinating prints? This is making my eyes hurt. You can just tell that baby Eloise is already wondering what she’s gotten herself into.
Olive Cohen … I don’t get it. She’s very pretty, but her style is so color-blind granny I just want to close my eyes.
Love her hair color, though. Do you think she highlights?
This is the most embarrassing thing Tom’s done since, like, Tuesday. Do you understand now why I’m researching the states with the loosest emancipated minor policies?
Willow Smith just dropped a new single called “Fireball,” and I must say — it’s quite catchy. As with her last song, it’s just her repeating one phrase over and over and over again: in this case, “I’m the fireball of the party.”
This is extraordinarily accurate, if by fireball, you mean day-ruining disaster. That girl doesn’t know a lobster fork from a hole in the ground.
Also, she once tried to set my hair on fire.
Love her to pieces.
America’s favorite man, Jon Hamm, told The Hollywood Reporter that he and partner Jennifer Westfeldt are not planning on having children in the immediate future:
“It’s always on the periphery of the discussion, but we do not have children. You know, it’s a tricky balance to strike. And I have a tremendous amount of respect for my friends who do balance this particular career with raising a kid, ‘cause it’s a tricky environment to bring them into… So not for us just yet.”
I wish America put the same pressure on our best assets that Great Britain puts on theirs. Do you think the Duke and Duchess are concerned about their “tricky balance to strike”? Let’s go, Hamms!
This is always how it goes, though. The celebrities you want to have children are sensible enough to limit their offspring, while the B-listers and below continue to procreate in multiples.
This world is a cruel, cruel place.
No, this is not my official Halloween costume. But it is October, after all, and that means Pumpkin Spice Lattes and public dress-up.
Gosh, I wish magic was real. If this wand was actually effective, I’d be accio-ing Katie better jeggings and some dignity.
Johnny Depp told Vanity Fair about his actual motivation for doing those dreaded Pirates movies. Hint: it’s not because he loves his work.
Basically, if they’re going to pay me the stupid money right now, I’m going to take it. I have to. I mean, it’s not for me. Do you know what I mean? At this point, it’s for my kids. It’s ridiculous, yeah, yeah. But ultimately is it for me? No. No. It’s for the kids.
Wow. I had no idea that the Depps were so affected by the economic downturn. You’d really think Mr. Depp would be living comfortably by now. Did they fall victim to a subprime mortgage deal? Oh, gosh, were they Madoff clients?
My family would never make movies solely for the money. Most of their choices are based on poor judgment and/or desperation. Here is a trailer from my mother’s next film:
I am starting to get worried that Honor Warren may be my dark horse competition. She’s beautiful, fashionable, and, apparently, completely fearless. Here she is preparing to pet a boa constrictor!
The closest I’ve ever come to a reptile was that one time I hung out with the Tori Spelling family.
Yesterday was admittedly not the Holmes-Cruises’ finest. Katie wore rolled-up overalls with suede booties, and it wasn’t even laundry day. Also, this vanilla ice cream was completely disgusting—moments after this photograph was taken, I dropped it on the sidewalk. (On purpose, of course.)
The replacement chocolate was just okay.
Please take me back to a city that has Pinkberry.
What a mess. Ripped tights, wild hair, loafers—Marcia Cross’s twins were clearly having a rough morning before ballet class. I’m afraid of twins to begin with, so this picture is very unsettling.
What’s more unsettling, however, is that apparently everyone in the celebrity community attends extracurricular activities at this shopping center—the Afflecks, the Klum-Seals, etc.—except me. I mean, I wouldn’t go if they invited me to be in their dance company, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t at least extend the invitation.
Madonna’s youngest children left a Kabbalah service in New York last week very enthusiastically. I can understand high-tailing it out of a fringe-religion event; I’ve run screaming from more Scientology meetings than I can count.
What I can’t understand is the amount of white these children are wearing after Labor Day. Cold-weather tights shouldn’t even come in white—what a fashion oxymoron.
