Hey, look, it’s a Kardashian news round-up! (At the end, we can have a barf party.)
Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant again, and I am just about ready to give up on humanity. This woman can’t even dress the child she has, and now the universe is giving her another one?
Speaking of Mason’s fashion sense (or lack thereof), Kourtney recently gave E! a tour of Mason’s wardrobe. Spoiler alert: He only owns twelve pairs of shoes. Pathetic.
“I’ve seen so many little boys,” Kourtney says, “And their outfits are so cute. And then their moms put, like, kind of dorky shoes on them.” I mean, I couldn’t agree more, but you aren’t allowed to say this when your child wears moccasins to an occasion that isn’t Halloween or some public school Thanksgiving pageant.
Moving on. Barbara Walters has appointed the Kardashians to her annual list of “Most Fascinating People.” Barbara and I have been on the rocks since she fawned over those Mariah Carey babies like they were the second coming, but she is officially not getting any more anonymous breaking news tips from me. Perhaps Diane Sawyer will be more appreciative.
Finally, to end on a positive note, Kim Kardashian now says she may not ever have children. (!!!!!) “At first I was like, I want six kids,” she said. “Then I went down to four, then I was down to three. And now I’m like, maybe I won’t have any. Maybe I’ll just be a good aunt.” (!!!!!) Great choice, Kim. Really. This may be the best judgment you’ve shown in your entire life.
Okay, I’m done. I can’t believe I just wrote that much about these people.
Maggie Gyllenhaal is having another baby, to which I say, good luck. This is her first daughter, Ramona, who looks happy and insane and not at all scarred by the fact that she came thisclose to having Taylor Swift as a cool aunt.
You kind of get what you ask for when you name a kid Ramona, don’t you? If this family plans to continue naming their children after children’s book characters, might I suggest choosing one who’s more mild-mannered than Beezus’s annoying little sister? Or at least one who has magical powers? Hermione. Matilda. Mary Poppins. All excellent choices.
Obviously I write in my free time, but I am way beyond children’s books, people. My latest project is a collection of short stories reimagining Shakespeare’s historical plays as modern-day allegories of European politics.
Seriously, these tabloids can be really hurtful sometimes.
Here are Harlow Madden and her mom Nicole Richie on their way to ballet. Let’s overlook Mrs. Madden’s stick-like ankles in those big boots and her embarrassing tights/jean-panties look and concentrate on Harlow’s get-up.
The tights are too big, the sleeves are unflattering, and if she’s trying to channel Natalie Portman here, let’s just be honest — in the celebrity child realm, I am the White Swan and the Black Swan.
“About a week ago [my kids] came on a Sunday matinee. I said, ‘Guys, look, you can be honest with me. Do you like the show?’ My son Oscar says, ‘I really like it.’ I was touched. My daughter said, ‘I find it a little boring.’ My daughter, oh, my God. I sing a song for my wife in the show and sometimes I go out to the crowd. My daughter literally hides under the seat in front. She dies.”
Hugh Jackman is more acceptable than most parents — and especially more acceptable than mine — but I think it’s a good idea on principle to make sure your parents know their place. Katie was in “All My Sons” on Broadway a few years ago, and I would routinely laugh throughout the second act. It’s just so hard to take her seriously.
In a strange new interview with Self Magazine, Sarah Michelle Gellar talks about life with her daughter, Charlotte.
"Charlotte is my best friend, and any free time I have, I want to spend with her."
No. The only mom who is allowed to call her daughter her best friend is the mom from Gilmore Girls, and that show isn’t even on anymore. Katie suggested she and I were friends once, and I went and stayed at the Chateau Marmont for a week, just as a warning.
Sarah also says Charlotte gets invited to a lot of parties, which she probably only said to make her daughter seem popular.
“I’ve been doing the birthday-party circuit with my 2-year-old. Every weekend, we’re at two or three parties. Now, I’m not going to eat the cake at every one, but when it is homemade or looks particularly good, I’ll indulge. I like Carvel ice cream cakes a lot. And really, how is eating a piece of cake bad? Being bad is murdering someone. That’s bad. Don’t do that.”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — cake is the only reason to go to most parties. Especially if it’s a child’s birthday party. You spend an hour at Willow Smith’s birthday party and then talk to me about avoiding cake.
Ladies do not paint their nails more than one color. The pink is quite fun (and matches her outfit and handbag perfectly), and I could probably be persuaded that the blue isn’t tacky, but together it’s just a childish mess.
Connie Britton has adopted a baby boy from Africa! This news simultaneously thrills and depresses me.
After a three-year long adoption process, the actress’s dream of motherhood came true about a week ago, after she returned from the African country with her son Yoby — a nickname for Eyob, his given name.
“I am thanking my lucky stars every day,” Britton, 44, tells PEOPLE.The day she first held her son in her arms was a moment the new mom will never forget.
“It was such a wonderful moment of completion,” she recalls. “I thought I was going to collapse into a puddle of tears. I was just grinning from ear to ear.”
I feel like this almost deserves a “y’all,” but I love English far too much to do that. This is very sweet, and I’m sure she will be a great mother, but I have wanted her to adopt me ever since she gave birth to the alien baby on Friday Night Lights.
I would have been such a good addition to that family.
So the word going around now is that Peanutgate, the international incident Kate Middleton started by refusing to eat peanut paste and igniting a frenzy of pregnancy speculation, was merely a case of the Duchess not wanting to be photographed eating.
After seeing this photo of Sadie Sandler (daughter of Adam), I admit that this could have been good judgment on the Duchess’s part. Boy, is she going to town on that muffin.
It’s not every girl who can eat daintily. Then again, it’s not every girl who can carry a purse and a backpack at the same time.
I feel like I should clear something up. See, in the subculture of upper-middle-class girls, it is common to choose an American Girl doll who shares one’s traits and quirks, such as cleverness or bravery or, for the unfortunate, gingerness.
I was recently photographed with my new Julie doll. Julie is from 1974 San Francisco, and she cares about wildlife. (Translation: she is basically a communist.) I chose this doll because she is an interesting historical figure, not because I identify with her. Gross.
The truth is, I just buy any American Girl doll with a cute haircut.
Never let it be said that the Beckhams are not cultured. Here are Mr. B. and Cruz painting some pottery at Color Me Mine after soccer this weekend. One of the things I loved most about Cruz Beckham is that he is a true Renaissance man.
That, and that if we got married, his name would’ve been Cruz Cruise.
Don’t even pretend like that’s not how that would go down.
Well, people, it looks like the media blackout on the Carey-Whatever twins is officially lifted, and boy, are their parents making up for lost time.
After Monroe and Moroccan’s appearance on 20/20, they’ve been just everywhere, and now, they have their own web site, www.dembabies.com. This exists solely to publicize the twins’ existence, complete with a Twitter roll for anyone hashtagging their English-challenged-but-still-somehow-pretentious moniker, #dembabies.
I can’t deny that these children are beautiful — Mariah must be so relieved.
So Lourdes “Lola” Madonna (at least I think that’s her last name) has a blog, and her mom told Harper’s Bazaar about it:
She loves fashion and style. She helps design the collection. I just stand in the background and watch. I proofread her blogs and edit them and give her a hard time when I think she’s being a lazy writer.
Really, Madonna? You proofread them? Here’s an excerpt from said blog:
HEY!!! LoLa HeRe!
WHAT is newwww????
Something I’m newley (not a word) feelin’ , is hair and makeup tutorials on YouTube. Yeah I’m just the coolest kid. No but for shiz- it’s soooo good, I learned how to do a fishtail braid!!! haha, and there are these girls that have like violet and green hair and they do all this cool-ass makeup.
Ok random but I learned how to make brownies off of YouTube, thanks to Charlie Mc.Donell who can be found at charlieissocoollike ( that’s his YouTube channel).
Oooooh ok, so I wanna tell you about styling and shooting the Fall Material Girl Campaign! As you know it’s still with Kelly Osbourne, which is BOSS!!! And I’m SUPERRRR excited about it!!! It’s pretty awesome!
I don’t think anyone is proofreading this drivel, and if I was Madonna, I definitely wouldn’t be taking credit for this copy edit job. The only people more in need of an AP Stylebook are Ashton Kutcher and Apple Martin. (Seriously, that second-grader’s spelling is atrocious.)
For the record, my mother is not proofreading these entries. As if.
Here’s a photo of Shiloh Jolie-Pitt cuddling a gremlin. This entry practically writes itself.
It’s no wonder Shiloh identifies with a mischief-making little creature. She probably has cuddle-versions of Jar Jar Binks and Kreacher the House Elf, too. (Might this affinity explain her proclivity for not brushing her hair and generally being a maniac?)
Just … don’t feed Shiloh after midnight. That’s all I’m saying.
I guess I should’ve seen this coming. Since announcing her pregnancy last week, Jessica Simpson has been talking nonstop about it. In retrospect, I kind of can’t believe she fooled everyone into thinking that maybe she’d finally found something to be private about.
Alas, she was just waiting for Halloween so she could make that dumb mummy pun. [That’s a link to my Twitter feed, by the by. In case you were misinformed.]
Here are some quotes from Jessica about the pregnancy:
“I did the pregnancy test. I was feeling a little off. I first told Eric, of course. He was in the house. He didn’t know that I was taking a pregnancy test, so I kind of shocked him. I came in shaking like, ‘Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! This is happening!’ We both cried. We were in shock and kind of just sat there and stared at each other.”
"I crave cantaloupe like a crazy person! But I put salt all over it, so I don’t know if it’s that healthy. I crave anything salty and sweet. That mixture to me is so good. I can eat a whole cantaloupe in one morning.”
"Pregnancy is a friend of mine, so everything has been running smoothly. So far, so good – no morning sickness. I feel great. I’m tired, but you know, I’m making a baby here!”
Well, I have afternoon sickness from this. I miss that glorious time when she was keeping this all to herself.
Also, the only fruit worth eating is pineapple and pomegranates.
Has it really only been a year since Celine Dion gave birth to those “miracle” babies? It feels like they should be in college by now. But then, of course, one human year is equal to, like, twenty Celine years. Her husband is actually 195.
In this sea of crazy and gray (can anyone tell Maddox and Pax or Shiloh and Knox apart anymore?), there is a hidden gem.
Vivienne Jolie-Pitt is turning into quite the little fashionista! Love the bulky capelet-coat contrasted with the sleek black leggings, and the suede boots are adorable, if you like dull colors as much as this family does.
Seriously, for people as committed to multiculturalism as the Jolie-Pitts, they sure do like monochrome.
Kelly Rutherford, cake-hater, accidentally called her son “my brother” at an event last week. She covered for herself, saying, “I always call them each other’s names, because my younger brother was like a son to me, in a way. You know when you have a little brother, you take care of him? My mother always used to say, ‘It’s like you became his mom.’ Like I took over.”
Let’s be serious. Kelly Rutherford is addle-minded enough to confuse her child with her brother, because she’s addle-minded enough to confuse herself with a teenager. Maybe a tween.
Above, Rutherford is pictured with her daughter, Helena, or as Kelly calls her, “my great-aunt.”
Harper “Lumpy Butt” Beckham was the subject of everyone’s attention at Thursday’s LA Galaxy game. What else is new?
Why, I remember not so long ago, when everyone in that luxury box spent the whole game drinking red wine and doting on me. I’m already forgetting the taste of the crudités and the exhilarating feeling of looking down on so many sad soccer fans below.
I’m so angry at my parents for damaging this friendship, Eva Longoria for being so two-faced and cliquey, and Harper … just for existing.
While visiting a UNICEF center in Denmark, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge were offered peanut paste, a common food in packages provided to the hungry in third world countries. (Gross.)
Prince William ate it up, but Catherine refused, sparking speculation that she is pregnant. (Apparently pregnant women should avoid peanuts?) The Palace immediately put out a statement that the Duchess does not have a peanut allergy, which is highly suspect.
If she’s not pregnant, wouldn’t the Palace have denied that, not just a peanut allergy? By putting that out there, it’s like saying, “She could have eaten that high-protein crap jelly, but her palate is too sophisticated.” It’d be a slap in the face to UNICEF, Danes, hungry people, and especially the peanut industry — and those people are ruthless. This is why I don’t do charity work that involves food.
I’ve been trying to prepare myself for this pregnancy, but I fear I’ll never be ready. Thank goodness I had this panic room built.
Jennifer Garner’s clothes and career can both be best described as “shapeless.”
Also, Starbucks really jumped the gun on the red cups this year. Putting them out in early November just devalues the entire red-cup concept. I myself won’t acknowledge the holiday season until the Third Avenue Bloomingdale’s puts up its Christmas window display.
"I can confirm that Hugh Grant is the delighted father of a baby girl. He and the mother had a fleeting affair and while this was not planned, Hugh could not be happier or more supportive. He and the mother have discussed everything and are on very friendly terms."
How’s that for honesty?
Everyone loves Hugh Grant, either for starring in their favorite romantic comedy or for being a spectacular phone-hacking whistleblower. (There were rumors that Tom’s phone had been compromised, and you’ll have to trust me when I say — no one wants to see those self-pics.)
Really, he’s one of the few people who can put out a press release about unplanned pregnancy following a fleeting affair and have it come across as a charming story of fatherhood and responsibility. It’s all very English.
Several Hollywood children — including (clockwise from top left) Honor Warren, Sam Woods, Anja Mazur, and Naleigh Kelley, as if I needed to tell you — dressed up as Disney Princesses for Halloween, to varying degrees of success.
Sam Woods really phoned this one in, while Honor obviously committed fully to her portrayal of Jasmine. (Bare feet! What a risk!) Anja’s tiara is completely out of character for Belle, and I’ve already given my opinion on Naleigh’s half-painted face.
As for who’s the best Disney Princess clotheshorse of all time? That’s not even a question.