Suri's Burn Book

I can’t even deal with Rachel Zoe’s baby anymore. The shirtless overalls look went out with Britney Spears’s relevance, and that hair is out of control. At least he is learning the doe-eyed, “What did I do?” look early in life. He’s going to need it if he plans to let his mother keep styling him like a woodland fairy in doll clothing.

The July issue of British Vogue features Miranda Kerr and Flynn Bloom looking very cute on a hillside. It’s all quite lovely, but as a feminist, I am appalled by this double standard. I ask you, could a woman appear in Vogue with arms and a back as pudgy as this?

Men have it so easy.

So at Beyonce’s concert last weekend in Atlantic City (the Monte Carlo of New Jersey), she gave a shout-out to Michelle Williams, who — along with fellow Destiny’s Child lesser-known Kelly Rowland — babysat Blue Ivy Carter while her mom was performing.

Do you think she does that just to remind them that they aren’t as famous as her?

If so, brilliant.

Prince William really knows how to push my buttons. He told Katie Couric:

“I’m still trying to decide [about another Royal Air Force tour of duty]. It’s a really difficult one because I really enjoy my time in the Air Force. But the pressures of my other life are building, and fighting them off or balancing the two of them has proven quite difficult. More importantly, I’d rather like to have children. I’m just very keen to have a family, and both Catherine and I are looking forward to having a family in the future.”

Katie pressed him for the timing of said family, to which he responded, “You won’t get anything out of me. Tight-lipped.”

I mean, what is it with this guy? They dangle this pregnancy in front of my face like it’s some cruel game. Maybe she is, maybe she isn’t. Maybe this year, maybe next year. Well, it’s NOT a game to me. This is my life.

Every time I see a picture of Kate Middleton drinking, I can actually feel my blood pressure improving.

Am I on glue?

Jennifer Garner’s dress does not have stains on it, and Violet looks positively decent. Actually, I would wear every piece of Violet’s outfit.

Except the glasses.

Well, here she is. Maxwell Drew Johnson, in a cheap headband, bare feet, and the butteriest Pop-Tartiest cheeks of all time, graces the cover of this week’s People.

I hope she was worth the seventeen-month wait.

Coco Arquette’s half-hearted fashion creativity annoys me. At least Willow Smith and Nicki Minaj have the decency to try with their outlandish outfits. (It may be trying out of desperation, but at least it involves the respectful act of effort.)

Pink feather eyelashes with a blah baggy shirt, blah jean shorts, and blah flip-flops is just a waste of good glue.

I know they are treating you like a young member of the Russian Imperial Family, but actually, your father is Nick Cannon and you are wearing jeans. You have no right to this facial expression.